If you Google, “How to tie a noose”, the first result that comes up is a message assuring you that help is available and to call a crisis line number.
I told S that today and he responded with an enthusiastic, “That’s cool!”
While I do agree with him wholeheartedly that it is cool, I also noted that what I’d said piqued his attention. He sat up a little straighter and leaned forward a little more.
How would I know this if I hadn’t done this search?
Well, the fact is, I have. I did this search sometime earlier this week…. Or maybe it was late last week. I don’t remember anymore. My days are melding together…
Last night, I was in the deepest part of the pit. I’d fallen back. S noted that whenever I fall, I fall hard and I fall steep. I go from any slight frustration to full blown hopelessness and despair at the drop of a hat. It’s insane.
My friend noted that by doing so, repeating negative patterns in my life, I will keep getting attention from people which is a good feeling to have and is therefore very addicting. She might be right about that… I do recognize a child-like need for attention. And I can’t deny that I do like attention.
I was angry earlier. I was angry at a lot of things. I was grocery shopping and while I was angry, the anger turned inward and I marched straight to the hunting aisle to look for hunting knives. By my count, now S has a collection of my knives – I’m fast becoming a knife collector. He already has 4 of them. I wanted to hurt myself. I was angry at others but instead of allowing myself to feel that anger and to tell myself that it’s ok to be angry, I wanted to cut. Such an automatic response.
It’s habit. I’ve been doing that for so long that it’s second nature to me now. I know it’s going to be hard to change that automated response but I’m going to have to try. The adult needs to stop feeling sorry for herself. She and the child are now a little more united than they used to be so now the adult is throwing rage tantrums.
Anyway… I have a bundle of rope in front of me. It’s 50 feet long. Probably more than enough for me to do something stupid with. S asked me if I could bring that in to him. I said I would…. But I won’t see him for another week… In the meantime, I have this rope. I did the search.
I know I’m smarter than this. So why do I keep throwing myself a pity party and wanting to do silly things like this to gain attention? How real is my suicidal threat?
To be honest, I don’t know.