Exhaustion

I was supposed to come home and study/finish my homework or assignments. Guess what I did instead?

I browsed through Amazon for things that I shouldn’t be buying and wasted all the precious time on that.

It’s like I have an unconscious desire to fail in school. It also seems like with the self-harm, I have an unconscious desire to be forced into a psych ward. I’m not sure why that is but I’m self-sabotaging for sure.

I wonder if it’s fear… I’m afraid to take responsibility for my own actions – so perhaps if I was forced into a situation where I have no choice, then I can say that I didn’t have anything to do with it. That it was someone else’s fault that I had failed.

I don’t know exactly what it is but a part of me thinks that it’s hugely influenced by the fear I have.

Sometime tomorrow, my ex is going to be married and I need to take my mind off things. My friend, El, told me to focus on coding. I thought about how unmotivated I am to code. I’m not sure why. She speculates that maybe I just don’t enjoy it and so that’s why I don’t want to do it.

Thing is, I feel tired. Every time I think of homework or assignments, my mind feels heavy and my body feels fatigued. Every time I think of having to do something that could potentially be overwhelmingly stressful, I have the same feelings of fatigue. I’m groaning, I’m dragging my feet, and my eyes are heavy with drowsiness.

Every time I talk to S, I bemoan the fact that I’m tired. I keep telling him that every single time I am in session. “I’m tired, S. Just so tired…” I don’t know how to fix it. 😦

I think it’s been 4 weeks since I’ve last had a day off.

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6 thoughts on “Exhaustion

  1. If I had to guess, it would be overwhelm. The Amazon browsing isn’t you wanting to fail or being lazy – it’s your brain taking a break.

    Overwhelm and stress to me seem to be what’s going on. Take a day off. Just cancel everything. It feels like the end of the world, but it isn’t. Take a day, breathe, sleep, binge watch something. You will feel so much better and focused for it. Thinking of you xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • JL says:

      Thanks PD! I really hate how I’ve been raised. Being raised in a conservative Asian family really sucks because not only are we taught conservative things, we’re also shamed into thinking that taking breaks is a bad thing. So I always feel guilty when I’m not hard at work. Ugh…

      But anyway, thanks for the insight? You’re in my thoughts too.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It took me forever to believe taking breaks was okay – as a chronic overachiever and perfectionist plus my hard ass Dad…so I kind of get it. It took me ending up in the hospital to slow me down.

        Liked by 1 person

      • JL says:

        Yeah, it’s taking me forever too… I’m 30… So yeah… I think in some ways, maybe that’s why the self sabotage. Part of myself that is looking out for me is trying to force the other part to see that I need a break. So by self sabotaging, maybe I’ll end up in the hospital too. Sometimes I tell S that I wish I could just check in to the psych ward for a while just to get a break but then I freak out in anxiety because I feel like I can’t do something like that since I have bills to pay, and homework to do. Ugh…

        Liked by 1 person

      • You know how you block everything else in your calendar? block in self-care breaks. Even if it’s just two half hours this week – do it. And you will feel so much better.

        I also do a power hour each day where I brain dump and address the most pressing things. Well, I used to. Right now I am not even close to 100% and am basically floating through the air instead of behaving as a normal human.

        Liked by 1 person

      • JL says:

        Yeah. I think I’ll do that. I think after 4 weeks of intense school and having to deal with the anxiety of my financial situation, the devastating truth that I’m now divorced and alone, the depressive pain of all these things combined, and the stress of trying to get school and work schedules sorted out, I’m just done with everything. Burnt out….

        Good thing is 2 weekends from now, I asked for 3 days off and my manager gave it to me. I plan to go out of town and visit someone. I hope that plan works out because I really need this break.

        I hope you’ll be able to also do the same for yourself. I know you’re struggling too. Thanks for the suggestion!

        Liked by 1 person

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