I was supposed to come home and study/finish my homework or assignments. Guess what I did instead?
I browsed through Amazon for things that I shouldn’t be buying and wasted all the precious time on that.
It’s like I have an unconscious desire to fail in school. It also seems like with the self-harm, I have an unconscious desire to be forced into a psych ward. I’m not sure why that is but I’m self-sabotaging for sure.
I wonder if it’s fear… I’m afraid to take responsibility for my own actions – so perhaps if I was forced into a situation where I have no choice, then I can say that I didn’t have anything to do with it. That it was someone else’s fault that I had failed.
I don’t know exactly what it is but a part of me thinks that it’s hugely influenced by the fear I have.
Sometime tomorrow, my ex is going to be married and I need to take my mind off things. My friend, El, told me to focus on coding. I thought about how unmotivated I am to code. I’m not sure why. She speculates that maybe I just don’t enjoy it and so that’s why I don’t want to do it.
Thing is, I feel tired. Every time I think of homework or assignments, my mind feels heavy and my body feels fatigued. Every time I think of having to do something that could potentially be overwhelmingly stressful, I have the same feelings of fatigue. I’m groaning, I’m dragging my feet, and my eyes are heavy with drowsiness.
Every time I talk to S, I bemoan the fact that I’m tired. I keep telling him that every single time I am in session. “I’m tired, S. Just so tired…” I don’t know how to fix it. 😦
I think it’s been 4 weeks since I’ve last had a day off.