Loss and Lost

My ex got married today.

I don’t know how to feel.

He’s still my friend but I’ll be honest, it’s hard to know what to feel because on one hand, I’m happy that he was able to find someone, but on the other hand, I’m still raw from our divorce. I’m still grieving and feeling all the losses.

I know we all grieve at our own pace but I wish my pace could hurry up a little bit.

I’d like to be able to move on too but my mind can’t get past the fact that I used to be married but not anymore. My mind keeps going back to dwelling on all that I’ve lost and not at all that I’ve gained. I still self sabotage. I still hurt myself.

I feel lost and alone.

I wish I knew what I should do.

Also, to make things worse, I just got the results of my second Calculus test back. I got a 56/100. That is the lowest result I’ve ever gotten in any math classes I’ve ever taken. I feel like a failure because I’m repeating Calculus 1 and I should be good enough this time around to be getting A’s all the time. And yet, I’m not. What the hell is going on with me?

My friend said that I’m distracted. She’s right. I am distracted. I am also exhausted. So I’ve been falling asleep in class every single day. I can’t balance my life. I can’t keep to my schedule. I am not making any money at any of my jobs.

I’m so stressed out, it’s unbelievable. My friend asked me if I could still just take the semester off. It’s already Week 5 (starting tomorrow). It’s too late now. Now, I have to deal with my poor decisions and do the best I can.

Unfortunately, I think that my best will just not suffice. I’ve gone from a straight A’s student to a B student. What if I slide even further down and become a C student? I can’t even think about that right now but with my severe lack of motivation and high risk of suicide, I really don’t think things are improving for me.


15 thoughts on “Loss and Lost

  1. Maybe it would help to make a list of all your commitments and cut it down. Also, be kind to yourself and remember that whether or not you ace calculus future employers aren’t going to know. As a fellow perfectionist I realize that’s not helpful but the hardest part of my insane schooling was realizing that a pass was a success.

    It may be time to consider dropping things and making more time for you around school. I believe in you, you can do it. Remember you can’t do anything properly until you take care of yourself – so start there. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, PD!

      I am working too much and am too exhausted to study. I’m also so distracted all the time. I can’t focus on anything productive.

      I really thought that I was getting better at my perfectionism thing. I guess not…. Schooling while having to work 20-30 hours a week is such a killer… I feel brain dead.

      Instead of lashing out though, yesterday, I actually called the Crisis Line. The lady who spoke to me was very kind and reminded me of the things that I *can* do.

      Anyway, thanks again. I need to somehow regroup and get back at this.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Remember that taking it slow, and even doing school at a slower pace or whatever you need to stay alive isn’t failure. Being so stressed out or sick that you never make it to the end of your degree is not what you want. I am thinking of you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks. I need to convince myself of that – that I’m not a failure for doing it slower. That it’s not a competition. That learning is more important than grades. I wish I could believe even though my rational mind knows it’s true… Thanks, PD!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. At some point for me in my educational attempt I realized I wasn’t going to make it out alive unless I slowed down – that was the kicker for me. But I know that it’s easier said than done. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I know that feeling. Do one thing at a time, and try to make time for you, and take deep breaths and make sure you are writing down all the pressures you feel – S is probably a great person to help you sort through them in a logical way. Just don’t give up on yourself -‘it feels like the end of the world but missing an activity or something isn’t (easy for me to say I know)

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Yeah. I am trying to do too much, I think. 😕 I’ll definitely write down the pressures. That’s a good idea!

    And yeah. I know it isn’t. I just wish I could truly believe it and feel less anxious.


  3. Ah, I recognize this–the desire to do everything, and do it all well, even if it kills you. That’s how I’ve lived for years, until I couldn’t anymore, and I quit my job. For a long, long time, I told myself that I didn’t have any choice. I had to work that hard, even though it didn’t feel good. Then I got to the point that even when I had dropped everything else out of my life, I couldn’t do the job anymore.

    But now that I’m two weeks out of the job, I’m already wondering why I pushed it so hard for so long. We don’t have to do it. There are other ways. For a long time, we might not see those other ways or think they are realistic, but there are options. What if you just made yourself a list of things you could do instead. You don’t have to commit to any of them now, just look at the list. I am not sure what it might look like. Maybe it would have things like, “take the minimum number of credits possible.” It might say, “work no more than 10 hours per week and borrow money” or “take a semester off.” Some of those things might seem impossible at first. Certainly quitting seemed impossible for me.

    It’s terribly hard to take care of yourself when you are so exhausted, but your lovely, worn out self deserves a break. And it’s OKAY TO TAKE A BREAK. It doesn’t mean you are weak. Strong people take breaks too. Warm hugs from Q.


    1. Thank you, Q.

      Your comment brought tears to my eyes. I could hear your frustration as well.

      I *am* definitely trying very hard. I’m trying to prove that I can still be successful despite the mental illnesses, despite the divorce, that I can forge on. If I don’t, then I would feel like I’ve allowed life to beat me down. I don’t know if that makes sense.

      I’m terribly overwhelmed though. I might have to waste money repeating classes again. I am redoing Calculus and despite redoing it, I’m now at a worse position than I was last semester. I feel so discouraged at the moment.

      Your idea is a good one. I need to do that. It might help me just to feel a little better. I wanted to go to CAPS today but I just don’t have time to.

      In two weeks’ time, I’m going to go out of town for the weekend. I’m going to meet that girl that I met on the dating site and hopefully, I’ll be able to recharge and get a little more stable. Of course, that’s still 2 weeks away…. But I am planning on a break….


  4. Jules: I guess I’m kind of thunderstruck that your ex is getting married again about five minutes after you left him???!! I can’t imagine how you must be feeling about this ….. angry? sad?? confused?? It doesn’t surprise me that your brain is … well .. the Brooklyn word is “versmooshed.”

    I may be completely wrong here, and feel free to yell at me, but it seems possible to me that this might be the pain you need to deal with first, before you can “fix” anything else.

    Please stay with us, dear JL, no matter what. I have a big box of Kleenex here. TS

    Liked by 1 person

    1. TS: I was told by S, as well as the kind lady who spoke to me on the Crisis Line that men deal with break ups differently. They replace their partners quickly not to be jerks (though a lot of them *do* do that for such motives) but as a way of coping.

      I can’t really say how I feel to be honest. I feel many things all at once. I feel angry, replaced and abandoned, unimportant, confused, but also relieved, and sometimes excited for change.

      Yeah. I am definitely still in pain from the divorce. I think that’s why I keep self sabotaging still. I think the child wants me to slow down and I’m not because I feel pressured to move on too….

      The graduate intern that I saw on Friday when I was in distress made me write out a safety plan. Now that it’s written out, I’m more inclined to follow it. So I think I’ll be sticking around… Thanks TS!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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