Monday Blues

Trigger warning: This post might trigger anxiety attacks because of what I’ll be talking about.

It’s 10.35am and I’m stressed out to nearly the point of being overwhelmed. I’m close. Any more and I’ll definitely be in the red zone.

I think the source of my stress came from thinking too far ahead – I know that I push myself to the precipice of where sanity and insanity meet. I push myself so far that I am able to look into the deep dark hole of insanity. And I question, ‘How can I survive this?’

To be honest, looking at my next semester’s schedule, I’m not sure how – or if – I will survive this – this being, life.

The only advantage I have at the moment is that I have the foresight to recognize how deeply fucked I’m going to be next semester. Pardon the language. And I thought this semester was challenging!

Next semester, I will be taking a class called “Data Structures” which is the fundamental class in Computer Science. It’s important that I finish this class strong because without it, I will be unable to function well as a Computer Scientist. I have some faith that I can get through this class well enough – however, here’s the kicker… Add to this, the fact that I have to take 12 credit hours per semester to qualify for student financial aid, and I’d have to take other classes with this class. One such class will have to be “Calculus 2” – which, because I want to take the class with the same Professor, I have to do it in Spring since he doesn’t offer it any other semester. And I know that this Professor has insane amounts of homework that he dishes out every week. Homework that are, by the way, graded. (Who grades freaking homework in college?! Well, apparently this Professor does) “Calculus 2” wouldn’t be such a big deal if it wasn’t the hardest Calculus class I’d have to take. Even the brightest people I know struggle through this class because everything that is learned in this class is completely new and foreign. On top of that, you’d have to be good with “Trigonometry” and remember all the necessary formulas from trig and Calc 1 to be able to do well in Calc 2. *big deep breath*

That leaves 2 more classes that I have to take. I plan on doing “Client Side Web Programming” – an elective that I’m hoping will be easy enough since it’s going to be web-based programming languages that I’ll be learning. I’ll be learning JavaScript, JQuery, and HTML/CSS in this class. After learning C, C++, and Java this semester, those three languages are going to be easy. (At least I hope) Now, we’re at 3 classes. 2 of which are going to be incredibly challenging, and one that might be challenging but I’d have more help with (since El is really good at JavaScript). I promised a friend/coworker of mine that I would take “Stress Reduction” class with him (it’s a 1 credit class that’s meant to be a filler and meant to help students balance their stressful lives). And since I’ll be continuing as a Mentor at the MAC, I’ll have to take a UCOL class along the lines of the subject of mentoring. Now this is also a 1-credit hour class. Adding all that up, I think I might have reached 12 credit hours. But if I haven’t, then I’d have to add one more class. This means I’m going to have less time for completing assignments and going to work.

At this point, I’m already exhausted thinking about the classes I have to take. I haven’t even thought about the kind of assignments I’ll have to do yet. Then I start thinking about the fact that I’ll have to figure out my work situation. Am I going to be hired by Apple? If I do, will they pay me enough to live on so that I can only work 20 hours a week and be done with that? Should I resume private tutoring? Will I have time for private tutoring? Do I keep my job at the restaurant? Am I going to make it financially, if I go to school full time and work only 20 hours? Since I don’t have answers to these questions, and won’t for a while, I’m going to drive myself insane thinking about them.

Add to that the fact that I’m thinking about how poorly I’m doing in school (in comparison to how I was doing of course), and I’m just feeling terribly lost and confused. Physically, I feel exhausted. My brain feels heavy and burdened.

I know that I need to get out of my thoughts and stop thinking so far ahead but it’s hard to help it when I have to be planning my Spring semester in just 2 weeks’ time. Ugh. No wonder I’ve been stress eating and consuming large amounts of empty calories in chips, cookies, and ice cream. I crave these sugary food because I think it gives my brain the “energy” to function better – at least for a while until I get a total sugar crash meltdown.

I tell myself, “Jules, calm down. Take a deep breath”. And it helps to just calm down for a few minutes.

Can I just find a rich sugar mama who can give me money for school in exchange for sex? XD If only. Ha…

I contemplated going to CAPS, but what are they going to do? They’re going to tell me to utilize all the coping skills that they’ve taught me. Coping skills that I should be practicing but am not.

Sigh.

Self sabotage, that’s what this is. I drive myself to the point of insanity and then reach out for help while acting helpless like I’m some child. The critical voice tells me that I’m pathetic. The kinder voice tells me that I’m just struggling and that my feelings are valid. And those two voices, they argue. Both of them think they’re right.

So now I’m just spending my hour break ranting on WordPress and being lost as to what I want to do next because the thoughts ‘I am wasting time… I am wasting time’ keep repeating in the back of my head.

*deep breath*

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6 thoughts on “Monday Blues

  1. Today has been an overthinking day for me as well. Sounds like you have the tools and have used them well in the past. I had an eat crap day yesterday and am pretty sure it hasn’t helped with my mind today, so I bought some fruit (and eaten it) and am drinking water today knowing it’s not going to solve everything but it will help and I can get back on track a little better by helping myself..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks huanloti! Just having someone to relate to is nice. I drank some water too. I was told that if we take care of our body physically, we’ll feel a little better mentally too! Good luck to you, I hope you’ll feel better soon!

      Like

  2. You are not wasting time, you are de-stressing. I think it was Rachel’s most recent post that really helped me.

    Think about your thoughts and if they fit into “present” “past” or “planning” and try to focus on the present. Make sure you have your 12 credits set and then use your energy to get through this semester.

    You can do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I promise you that since you’ve learned object oriented programming languages already (c, c++), you’ll find html + css cake. jQuery and javascript too. Remember that coders also tend to be a helpful bunch, lots of internet resources out there. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks skinnyhobbit!! It’s a relief to know that… My instructor told me too that since I know how to program, those other languages will be easy since they’re generally higher level. I think I’m just worried for Data Structures class… Yeah, there are good helpful people but there are also those who tend to want to make fun of noobs or who want to derail them for troll reasons…

      Liked by 1 person

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