Trigger warning: This post might trigger anxiety attacks because of what I’ll be talking about.
It’s 10.35am and I’m stressed out to nearly the point of being overwhelmed. I’m close. Any more and I’ll definitely be in the red zone.
I think the source of my stress came from thinking too far ahead – I know that I push myself to the precipice of where sanity and insanity meet. I push myself so far that I am able to look into the deep dark hole of insanity. And I question, ‘How can I survive this?’
To be honest, looking at my next semester’s schedule, I’m not sure how – or if – I will survive this – this being, life.
The only advantage I have at the moment is that I have the foresight to recognize how deeply fucked I’m going to be next semester. Pardon the language. And I thought this semester was challenging!
Next semester, I will be taking a class called “Data Structures” which is the fundamental class in Computer Science. It’s important that I finish this class strong because without it, I will be unable to function well as a Computer Scientist. I have some faith that I can get through this class well enough – however, here’s the kicker… Add to this, the fact that I have to take 12 credit hours per semester to qualify for student financial aid, and I’d have to take other classes with this class. One such class will have to be “Calculus 2” – which, because I want to take the class with the same Professor, I have to do it in Spring since he doesn’t offer it any other semester. And I know that this Professor has insane amounts of homework that he dishes out every week. Homework that are, by the way, graded. (Who grades freaking homework in college?! Well, apparently this Professor does) “Calculus 2” wouldn’t be such a big deal if it wasn’t the hardest Calculus class I’d have to take. Even the brightest people I know struggle through this class because everything that is learned in this class is completely new and foreign. On top of that, you’d have to be good with “Trigonometry” and remember all the necessary formulas from trig and Calc 1 to be able to do well in Calc 2. *big deep breath*
At this point, I’m already exhausted thinking about the classes I have to take. I haven’t even thought about the kind of assignments I’ll have to do yet. Then I start thinking about the fact that I’ll have to figure out my work situation. Am I going to be hired by Apple? If I do, will they pay me enough to live on so that I can only work 20 hours a week and be done with that? Should I resume private tutoring? Will I have time for private tutoring? Do I keep my job at the restaurant? Am I going to make it financially, if I go to school full time and work only 20 hours? Since I don’t have answers to these questions, and won’t for a while, I’m going to drive myself insane thinking about them.
Add to that the fact that I’m thinking about how poorly I’m doing in school (in comparison to how I was doing of course), and I’m just feeling terribly lost and confused. Physically, I feel exhausted. My brain feels heavy and burdened.
I know that I need to get out of my thoughts and stop thinking so far ahead but it’s hard to help it when I have to be planning my Spring semester in just 2 weeks’ time. Ugh. No wonder I’ve been stress eating and consuming large amounts of empty calories in chips, cookies, and ice cream. I crave these sugary food because I think it gives my brain the “energy” to function better – at least for a while until I get a total sugar crash meltdown.
I tell myself, “Jules, calm down. Take a deep breath”. And it helps to just calm down for a few minutes.
Can I just find a rich sugar mama who can give me money for school in exchange for sex? XD If only. Ha…
I contemplated going to CAPS, but what are they going to do? They’re going to tell me to utilize all the coping skills that they’ve taught me. Coping skills that I should be practicing but am not.
Self sabotage, that’s what this is. I drive myself to the point of insanity and then reach out for help while acting helpless like I’m some child. The critical voice tells me that I’m pathetic. The kinder voice tells me that I’m just struggling and that my feelings are valid. And those two voices, they argue. Both of them think they’re right.
So now I’m just spending my hour break ranting on WordPress and being lost as to what I want to do next because the thoughts ‘I am wasting time… I am wasting time’ keep repeating in the back of my head.