So my weekend has been a mix of good and bad – a lot of it was pretty bad in multiple ways.
Before I delve into the bad, there were some good…
Group turned out pretty well and I was able to express myself and ask for feedback relatively easily this time. I told one of the group members that when I saw him a day before group, my first instinct had been to run up to him and hug him tightly – I hadn’t seen him for 2 weeks because he’d been gone for a conference and so couldn’t join group. I told him that I felt such a strong connection to him that I wanted to show him as much affection as I could. Then, I had stopped myself because we had signed a contract that said that we are not allowed to pursue any relationship with any group members outside of a therapeutic relationship during group. So I stopped myself and turned around and walked away. It had hurt not being able to connect to him in that way because of the rules.
I told group that right now, the people I trust are the staff at CAPS as well as the group members. That though I have friends outside of CAPS, the people I trust the most right now to understand how I feel and be able to support me are the CAPS staff and the group. I couldn’t help but tear up as I spoke. I felt so strongly for these folks.
B, the group member that I had been missing, told me that he was genuinely surprised that I would have such a strong reaction towards him. As someone who has never really put himself out there for others, he said that it was surreal to know that someone would feel so strongly for him. He told me that he was very grateful and although he is happy that someone thought about him while he was gone, he also admitted that he’s a little afraid because he felt that I had lots of expectations for him now and that it also feels very vulnerable. Then he told me that it felt like something he needed to experience more so that he can also reciprocate – after all, that was one of the reasons he joined group; to learn how to be more emotive and to reciprocate people’s feelings. I assured him that when I saw him and had my strong reaction, I didn’t have any expectations at all of him. I was happy for him being who he is and I was just so ecstatic to see him as he is. He seemed to be much more comfortable after I had said that and seemed relieved.
I understand his knee-jerk reaction because it’s so hard to believe that someone would like you or be so affectionate towards you when you haven’t really felt that way your whole life. It’s easy to pull away and deny any social interactions or emotions – it is a defense mechanism – one that I recognize because I know that I do similar things too, myself.
I also felt really good and really confident tonight during a hiring event that I had attended – I was interviewing for a position at Apple. The dress code was “Business Casual” and most people (especially here in America) don’t seem to know that Business Casual means that people still dress in a button up shirt, slacks, and a blazer. The only thing that makes Business Casual even remotely casual is the fact that men don’t have to wear ties, and they’re allowed khakis instead of slacks. Knowing that, I decided that it was probably best to dress as well as I could.
I had gone and bought a new shirt just for this event. I needed to because all my shirts are way too big for me now. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight since starting the Fall semester.
I paired my long sleeved navy shirt with my blazer. I also wore a pair of black slacks, a fancy belt, and dress shoes. I’d never felt so comfortable in a business attire until tonight. I not only felt more confident, I was also able to tell myself how good I looked.
I couldn’t stop looking at the photo that I’d taken of myself before the event started. (Photo below):
It’s amazing what a set of well fitting clothes can do to someone’s confidence and ego. This is definitely going to be my go-to attire for future interviews as well – provided I don’t lose more weight.
I also think that I did pretty well during the hiring event. I have some hope that I’ll be able to at least get another interview with Apple. It’ll do so much for me if I was able to get the job. To be part of one of the most influential companies as a computer science major probably would help me a great deal.
So some good things happened, but of course all of them were overshadowed by the bad things.
I was supposed to head out of town, about 3 hours away from where I live, to meet this person that I had been chatting through texts for the past 2 months or so. We’d hit it off and had been having a good time getting to know each other. So because of how well we’d been communicating, we decided to meet on Friday.
And of course, just like how it has been for me for the past few months, my plans fell through. It’s hard not to be bitter and hopeless when things like this happen – it’s because it’s been happening to me so much that it’s getting harder and harder to believe that anything good will ever happen to me. In fact, as I was making plans with this person, in the back of my mind, I thought to myself, ‘They’re going to cancel on me and things won’t work out’.
I don’t believe that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy when the person got cold feet and cancelled, but it does seem like I had brought it upon myself, doesn’t it? The person told me that they feel too much stress and pressure to try and juggle school, their relative being ill, and meeting me all at once. I understood – after all, I’m trying to juggle many things at once. I don’t fault them for feeling stressed out. At the same time, I felt really sad that I wouldn’t be able to follow through with my plan. It was supposed to be a weekend of rest and doing-nothing for me. Instead, I went to work. I was so disappointed.
So I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t anything I did that caused the meeting to be cancelled. I tried to affirm myself and tell myself that it’s okay to feel disappointed. It was such a hard task.
Then I looked on Facebook and found a photo of my ex on his wedding day. He talked about how much he loves his new wife and how grateful he is to be married into a good family. I don’t think that upset me very much – I wasn’t upset until I realized that he had worn a shirt that I had bought him a long time ago for his wedding. Somehow, that crushed me. I think it was just the reminder of things that were and things I’d wished had been.
My friends all tell me to disconnect myself from my ex – to not to talk him anymore, to not contact him anymore, and to just be away for a while; at least until I can properly heal. Yet, like a moth attracted to flame, I can’t seem to do what they suggest. I don’t know exactly why, but I just can’t seem to let go. I think it’s fear that drives me – the fear that I’ll never be important to anyone in the future. The fear of being alone without someone to love. The fear that I’ll never have another relationship as good as I did – despite the fact that most of it wasn’t good (we’d had too much conflict).
I told S how pathetic I feel for not being able to move on. Or at least, for crawling my way through it at a snail’s pace. He was compassionate, and understanding. The fact is, I’ve also been very clingy towards him since the divorce – he is my father figure and I want so badly for him to be my friend. It’s because I’ve lost someone I could depend on and since S has always been so dependent, I’m desperate to have someone like him in my life again. S has reminded me that it’s more important for me to stand on my own two feet than it is to pursue another relationship or to obsess over him. He’s right and I can intellectually agree with that. Too bad I can’t emotionally agree with it too. At least not yet.
Financially, I’ve been struggling really badly. I haven’t been able to make much money at work – I find myself just wasting time going to work because I stand around for hours, and get paid $2.13 an hour to run people’s food, and bus tables. Working for tips is becoming more and more difficult to sustain when I have $10, 000 in credit card debts, and $20 000 in car loan repayment. I’ve been contemplating bankruptcy to help me deal with all the debts. I’ve also contemplated ending my life. That’s how bad my financial stress causes me. Every time I get financially stressed, suicide is my go-to answer. And since I’ve been financially stressed for a while now, I haven’t been able to get out of the suicidal rut.
I had gotten all those credit cards to pay for groceries, gas, and food during my marriage. Somehow, we had spent so much money in the past 4 years and now I’m stuck paying them all while he deals with his own share of credit cards.
I also don’t have $650 to cover the fees and expenses for getting a US Citizenship through Naturalization. I need to be a citizen of the US before I can be allowed to apply for some scholarships or to participate in certain jobs or programs. I was supposed to get my citizenship process done last year or so but some things changed and we had to use the $650 that was originally for my citizenship fees, for other things.
Besides that, I had also just gotten the results of my Discrete Computational Structures first test. For the first time since I joined college here in the US, I had failed a test. I got a 44/100 which brought my A down to a D. A D! That’s probably one of the worst grades I’ve ever gotten while in college.
I’m not doing well in school this semester. My grades are steadily dropping and I can’t help but feel very panicked over that. After all, I want to do as best as I can and despite my best efforts, I’m just not doing well. It makes me worried that I’m doing so poorly. I thought that I had it in me to do well in Computer Science but it seems like I might not. People tell me that Computer Science is an extremely difficult major and that most people don’t get out of the program with anything higher than B’s. That it is rare that people would get A’s.
Anyway, this post has become a long rambly post so I’m going to end here. It’s been quite a struggle and I’m just weary. I feel suicidal and hopeless all over again. I get why it’s so easy to fall into this trap of negativity. I just wish that I didn’t.