Thoughts from Therapy #86 – Self Punishment

Note: As usual, this is a long one – usually the posts titled “Thoughts From Therapy” are going to be really long doozy posts to read.

S’ expression was worry and/or concern almost the whole time through our session today.

Hey, I’d be too if I were the psychologist and my client comes in and the first thing they tell me after I ask them how they are is, “I’ve been very suicidal this last week because things have gotten worse for me…”

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Loss and Lost

My ex got married today.

I don’t know how to feel.

He’s still my friend but I’ll be honest, it’s hard to know what to feel because on one hand, I’m happy that he was able to find someone, but on the other hand, I’m still raw from our divorce. I’m still grieving and feeling all the losses.

I know we all grieve at our own pace but I wish my pace could hurry up a little bit.

I’d like to be able to move on too but my mind can’t get past the fact that I used to be married but not anymore. My mind keeps going back to dwelling on all that I’ve lost and not at all that I’ve gained. I still self sabotage. I still hurt myself.

I feel lost and alone.

I wish I knew what I should do.

Also, to make things worse, I just got the results of my second Calculus test back. I got a 56/100. That is the lowest result I’ve ever gotten in any math classes I’ve ever taken. I feel like a failure because I’m repeating Calculus 1 and I should be good enough this time around to be getting A’s all the time. And yet, I’m not. What the hell is going on with me?

My friend said that I’m distracted. She’s right. I am distracted. I am also exhausted. So I’ve been falling asleep in class every single day. I can’t balance my life. I can’t keep to my schedule. I am not making any money at any of my jobs.

I’m so stressed out, it’s unbelievable. My friend asked me if I could still just take the semester off. It’s already Week 5 (starting tomorrow). It’s too late now. Now, I have to deal with my poor decisions and do the best I can.

Unfortunately, I think that my best will just not suffice. I’ve gone from a straight A’s student to a B student. What if I slide even further down and become a C student? I can’t even think about that right now but with my severe lack of motivation and high risk of suicide, I really don’t think things are improving for me.

Suicidality 

If you Google, “How to tie a noose”, the first result that comes up is a message assuring you that help is available and to call a crisis line number. 

I told S that today and he responded with an enthusiastic, “That’s cool!” 

While I do agree with him wholeheartedly that it is cool, I also noted that what I’d said piqued his attention. He sat up a little straighter and leaned forward a little more. 

How would I know this if I hadn’t done this search? 

Well, the fact is, I have. I did this search sometime earlier this week…. Or maybe it was late last week. I don’t remember anymore. My days are melding together… 

Last night, I was in the deepest part of the pit. I’d fallen back. S noted that whenever I fall, I fall hard and I fall steep. I go from any slight frustration to full blown hopelessness and despair at the drop of a hat. It’s insane. 

My friend noted that by doing so, repeating negative patterns in my life, I will keep getting attention from people which is a good feeling to have and is therefore very addicting. She might be right about that… I do recognize a child-like need for attention. And I can’t deny that I do like attention. 

I was angry earlier. I was angry at a lot of things. I was grocery shopping and while I was angry, the anger turned inward and I marched straight to the hunting aisle to look for hunting knives. By my count, now S has a collection of my knives – I’m fast becoming a knife collector. He already has 4 of them. I wanted to hurt myself. I was angry at others but instead of allowing myself to feel that anger and to tell myself that it’s ok to be angry, I wanted to cut. Such an automatic response. 

It’s habit. I’ve been doing that for so long that it’s second nature to me now. I know it’s going to be hard to change that automated response but I’m going to have to try. The adult needs to stop feeling sorry for herself. She and the child are now a little more united than they used to be so now the adult is throwing rage tantrums. 

Anyway… I have a bundle of rope in front of me. It’s 50 feet long. Probably more than enough for me to do something stupid with. S asked me if I could bring that in to him. I said I would…. But I won’t see him for another week… In the meantime, I have this rope. I did the search. 

I know I’m smarter than this. So why do I keep throwing myself a pity party and wanting to do silly things like this to gain attention? How real is my suicidal threat? 

To be honest, I don’t know. 

Feeling Irritated for Always Being There

Whenever I find out that someone suffer from the same kind of mental illnesses that I do (anxiety, depression, ADHD), I automatically become inclined to talk to them more because I know how difficult it is to feel all alone and helpless. I would almost reflexively tell them that I’m there for them to talk if they ever need to. I do it, not only because of my protective nature, but also because I know that not many people care to talk to someone who is suffering from depression or anxiety or ADHD.

I have found few people to talk to other than S (which is why I spend so much time in his office and have been spending so much time in his office lately) so I want to offer that crying shoulder, and the comforting ear.

That said, I sometimes think that maybe I’m overexerting myself because depending on who I’m talking to, sometimes I end up feeling more distress myself because I’ve taken on the person’s burden on top of my own already-very-heavy one. I can’t seem to help it though – I always just would rather hurt myself than let others hurt.

Case in point, I have a friend who would message me whenever they’re down and despite all the encouragement, one doesn’t simply get out of being depressed – a fact that I know full well. Lately, I’ve been feeling stretched thin by my own struggles with the issues of abandonment, grief, confusion over trying to reconcile my faith with my identity, and overwhelming stress from school. So, every time I hear from my friend, I feel irritated.

I feel bad about it of course because I feel that this was my own doing – after all, I was the one who offered to be the empathetic friend who will always be there to listen and to help. Yet, I can’t help the exhaustion I feel. I don’t know if I am allowed to feel that irritation or not. In some cases in my life, my anger is justified and deserved, even. In some other cases, it’s not so clear – this being one of it.

I want to be supportive, helpful, and a comfort for all who need it from me. But I’m also exhausted. What do I do?

Pretension and Denial

I think I’m kidding myself and I’m pretending when I’m in front of everyone else.

I don’t think I’m as well as I want to feel and just because I’m not thinking of something, doesn’t mean it’s not in my mind.

I’m trying to be patient and when in times of loneliness, I’ve sought out the company of friends. I don’t think it’s really helping or that it’s really working.

I thought about S and though I don’t want to let him down, sometimes, I feel like just like in my marriage, I’d just been making promises I can’t keep. I promised him that I wouldn’t hurt myself or go and buy a knife – though I haven’t broken those promises, I feel like at any moment, I could.

My anxiety has been increasing because it’s only 8 days until school begins again and I don’t know if I can handle all the responsibilities that schoolwork will throw at me while working 4 full shifts at the restaurant, working 12 hours at the Math Assistance Center, and contributing my time and energy as a Peer Educator, all while trying to keep my mental health in check. I know something has got to give. I fear that my education might be the thing that gives. That, or maybe I’ll lose my job. If I do, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to financially support myself.

I tell myself I’ll be fine. But I can’t believe it. I know people believe in me and I know that they care.

Yet, at the same time, I can’t stop myself from wishing that nobody did, just so I can leave this existence without hurting anyone but myself. I’d rather that nobody cared at this point because I just don’t want to keep going. Having people care means that I can’t hurt them by leaving their lives so suddenly.

Even in all my pain, I keep thinking about how many people I’ll hurt if I take my own life. A part of me, the child most probably, hates that because I care about others more than I do myself. I think the child wants me to care for myself. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to care about me. Is it because I don’t feel like I’m worthy to have such care? I don’t know.

At the moment, I feel hopeless again.

Recently, a coworker had messaged me and told me some very inappropriate things – it made me feel violated and uncomfortable. Initially, when he told me how he felt and what his thoughts had been, I had told him that though I was flattered, I wasn’t interested. Then his words started gnawing at me and I felt more and more uncomfortable as the days passed. Today, I told my GM about it and he took it very seriously – he told me that he and the management team has my back fully. That if the coworker seeks recourse in any way at all, he will be terminated from his job. So I’d been struggling with that too – feeling awkward around said coworker, still feeling violated and somehow naked, feeling really unsafe and insecure.

When I reached out for comfort and protection, I got none. I wanted to talk to S on Friday because I felt so bad but he wasn’t in that day. I didn’t think that what the coworker had said would affect me so much but I guess it had affected me more than I would allow myself to believe.

I guess at this point in time, I just don’t know how to deal with life.