Trigger warning: Talk about self-harm in this post.
I haven’t been blogging because I’m so overwhelmed by the immense workload that I have. Sure, I’ve dropped a class but I’m still drowning.
I just got a new job today which hopefully (theoretically anyway) will help give me more time because the new restaurant I work at closes at 11pm at the latest whereas the one I work at now closes at midnight on weekdays and 3am on weekends.
I’m behind on all the homework and assignments that I have. I’m stressed out. I sound like a broken record, I know.
I cut myself again too. 3 small cuts on my arm. They’re pretty shallow cuts but cuts, nonetheless.
I just want to give up, drop out of school, and just not do anything. I just want to wither away. I’m so sick and tired of everything.
I practically made S run out of his office to meet me today. I feel embarrassed to say that I not only had a walk-in session today before my group therapy session, but that I also had group therapy, AND I also requested to see S.
The session with S went well enough… At the start. Near the end, it took a turn for the worse because the child was craving more attention while the adult wanted to keep us safe.
So the adult said to S, “I didn’t want to tell you this….” I paused because the child started to protest. After a few moments of hesitation, the adult regained control and continued, “I actually bought a knife…”
I just cut myself.
The emotional anguish I feel is so great that nothing I did or thought about helped.
I was near tears at every moment and indeed cried multiple times today. The Ex treated me to frozen yogurt and that calmed the child down for a little while but the rage, hopelessness, and despair came rushing back regardless.
I kept asking the child what was wrong. I kept trying to figure out what it was that was bothering me so that I could overcome it but I had no answers.
So now I have two cuts on my arm because I needed to vent.
I didn’t even go to group therapy today because I didn’t think I could be of any use to the group in my current mental state. I feel really bad about that too.
I feel so mentally ill. I can’t explain it.
I just want to die.
-Potential trigger warning: This post contains content that deal with childhood sexual trauma and self-harming thoughts. Note that this is also going to be a really long post.-
It is a strange thing that I feel that I deserve more compassion when I see myself as someone else than when I see myself in the first person. In the midst of raging thoughts of self-harm, my person, SH, messaged me on Facebook with two simple words, “You ok?”. I contemplated how to answer him.
I wanted to lie. I wanted so badly to lie so that I could go and hurt myself.
I’m alive. I promise.
It’s just that things have gotten so overwhelmingly bad for me that I can’t bring myself to write anything here.
This post will be raw and might be triggering for some as I have some discussions on suicide. For more, read on after the jump.