This is important for my anxiety and depression ridden life.
This piece was created with a Pentel brush pen and a Micron brush pen.
These were my #Inktober drawings for today. I have a fascination with Pi now for some reason.
I think it has to do with the fact that I have been using pi a lot in Trigonometry and have a newfound respect and interest for math.
I think I’m beginning to become a math nerd. Wow. Words I never even imagined could ever be used to describe me in the past. I’ve definitely made leaps and strides in changing my life this year.
I’ve done things I never though I’d ever do – like having an interest in math, going to therapy, being more mindful.
It still blows my mind (and I know I’ve mentioned it so many times now in this blog) that a person with no math skills growing up could now learn to not only be good at it but also love it. Math was my arch nemesis in school back when I was a kid but at age 30, I’ve realized that I just needed to be taught differently and have patient teachers. Now that I know that, I realize that I can do anything I put my mind to!
This little drawing personifies my relationship with my husband where my depression is concerned.
I’m often very angry, and most of the time, I can’t explain why. Though I don’t feel much because of how I repress my feelings, I do feel a lot of rage and anger. Most of the time, I take this rage out on my poor husband. I can’t help myself and I haven’t been able to stop it. By the time I realize I’m angry, it’s too late because the damage would’ve been done.
So I often feel like I’m burning him up with my rage and while he is getting burned, he still fights to come towards me – to comfort me and hold me. That is what I feel this drawing is trying to convey.
I’m working on it, of course, through therapy but sometimes I feel like I can’t recover soon enough because of how much pain I bring to the person I love the most. (Not to mention how much my conscious me is trying to fight the recovery process as well which complicates matters)
Just a quick piece for tonight. I’m taking a short break from my SketchUp drawing.
Orbiting, panning and zooming is quite a pain on SketchUp, if anyone cares to know. Lol.
Anyway, “Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself” seemed pertinent considering the post I wrote yesterday about self loathing. It’s a quote that is attributed to Anais Nin, which I found on a Psychology Today article.
I have a lot of fandoms. Sherlock happens to be one of them. In lieu of #Inktober, this is my 4th Inktober piece of the month.
I was in a hurry to finish this because I still have yet to read up on Section 7.3 of my textbook for Trig class tomorrow and still need to pack lunch and dinner for tomorrow. So if I hadn’t hurried, the lines would’ve been more even and the line weights would’ve been better. As it is, for the half an hour or so I spent it, I think it’ll do.
I’m going to have to redo this sometime in the future.
I forgot that it’s #Inktober so me drawing this piece this morning was a happy accident.
This illustrates the last 6 weeks of my life and still is true but I am learning not to give the abyss too much thought. I’ve stood at the edge of the abyss and looked in. I’ve realized that I don’t really want to go in after all.
I’ve realized that as severe as things can be and as difficult it is to go through the day sometimes, I also don’t want to leave my loved ones behind, reeling with the devastation of my permanent decision. However, every day is a new day and a new beginning, right?
I’m trying to be positive. I really am.
Note: I might upload a better version of my drawing if I can get around to scanning it.
**CAUTION: TRIGGER WARNING**
This has to be one of the darkest pieces I’ve done. September is Suicide Awareness (and Prevention) Month. So in lieu of that, I wanted to do a piece reflecting that.
I’ve never talked about it before but I feel like this is probably a good time as any to start. It’s not easy to come to terms with and it’s not easy to open up – especially since there’s a huge stigma surrounding not only death but also mental health in general. No one wants to talk about it, and I believe that this is probably why so many lives are lost to suicide each year.
Anyway, while I’ve never attempted suicide and can say that I’ve always had a healthy appreciation of life, when I started suffering from depression (which had started a few years ago), all that changed. Suddenly, life was no longer enjoyable and it was hard to even try to get up and get dressed. For a long time, I was often angry and most of the time, the anger was irrational and unfathomable. When confronted with the knowledge that I might be suffering from depression, I tried to laugh it off and deny it.
Last year, the depression finally hit me the hardest and caught up with me. Between two jobs where the service I provide is often thankless, I was at the end of my patience and couldn’t see what was so great about living. I felt like a rubber band that had been stretched so often and so much that I’ve lost my elasticity. I started developing what psychologists refer to as “passive suicidal thoughts” where instead of actively seeking out death or planning suicide attempts, I wanted instead to just die or to just disappear. After all, I believed, no one would care if I did go away, right?
Near the end of 2014, as I went to work daily, I often had to choke back the tears and frustration I was feeling and had to work really hard at passing off as normal. In fact, no one probably really noticed anything was wrong except my husband. That’s because depression hides within its victims. The happiest person could be the most depressed person. I was that “happy” person. In reality, I wished for death daily.
The feeling followed me through to the new year. Despite making a decision to make changes in my life in order to restore some semblance of normalcy, I still felt hollow, angry, sad and hopeless. When my husband was finally able to convince me to go seek professional help, I was reluctant. I didn’t see any benefit to talking to a complete stranger. I did go anyway because anyone who knows my husband will know that he is persistent. I went just so that he could stop asking me if I’ve made an appointment yet. When I was diagnosed with mild anxiety and moderate depression, I was relieved because now I can say for certain that I wasn’t imagining my problems.
Since starting therapy in April, my suicidal thoughts have decreased drastically because my therapist was able to help me flesh out my frustrations and anger. It’s been 17 sessions and I can say for certain that I have seen improvement in my mental well being. Though I still struggle with suicidal thoughts, I’m still thankful that I’m taking the steps toward recovery. Sure, I may have had an awful day yesterday which drove me to want to hurt myself but at least now, I realize where the suicidal thoughts are originating from which helps me diffuse the situation – or at the very least, keep going.
If you’ve read this far, I don’t want your pity. I don’t want the kind of looks you’d give to a wounded puppy. I would want instead, for you to reach out to someone you think might be suffering in silence. We, depression sufferers, are good at hiding our woes because we don’t want to burden others. I would like for you to educate yourself to the signs of suicide and be aware of your friends and loved ones’ state of mind. All it takes for someone to come off the ledge of a bridge/building, to put down the knife/razor blade, to throw away the sleeping pills, to untie the rope strung up in the ceiling is for someone to say, “Hey, are you okay? Can we talk about it?” I want people to know that suicide is an acute and temporary feeling. Once a person’s stressor goes away, they often would not revisit the thought of killing themselves. So if you manage to help someone out of that situation, chances are, you’ve given them a new lease on life.
As for me, I’ll keep going. I can’t promise I won’t think about killing myself, but I can promise that I will do whatever it takes to keep going. And don’t worry about me. My therapist is keeping an eye on my mental health and has assured me that he is there for me should I find myself in a situation where I could hurt myself. Not everyone has that luxury though, so if you can, go out there and be that person for someone.
For more info, here are some helpful links you could pass along:
– International list of Suicide Prevention Hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html