An Eventful Week Indeed

A lot has happened to me in the past few days.

I adopted 2 pet rats and I named them Rey and Jyn respectively (they’re both girls, obviously). And also adopted a dwarf rabbit that my ex-coworker wanted to take to the shelter, that I named Poe. I went from being all by myself to having 3 animals in my 400-sq feet room! Now their section of the room is constantly messy because the ratties like to throw their bedding out from their cage, while Poe likes to pretend like he’s digging into the ground so his back legs kick out a lot of his bedding too.

I haven’t yet felt that the animals are doing me any good – but I’ve only had them for a couple of days. The ratties are still skittish and wouldn’t let me pet them while the rabbit seem to be sick (he keeps sneezing and coughing, the poor baby) so he has been nippy. I hope that once they warm up to me, I’ll be able to have a better time with them.

I think I’m heading out of my rut – at least where my divorce is concerned – because I was able to spend time with the ex and his wife without feeling too overwhelmed by bitterness, or grief, or anything like that. In fact, I was fine when I left – sure I did feel a twinge of the pain of loneliness as I walked out the door, but I was generally okay. Compared to how I was the last time, this time was definitely an improvement!

Besides that, I have also been quite fortunate in the relationship department. Though I was technically on dating sites, I wasn’t really seriously looking. I’d also been “ghosted” by the last person I had talked to so I was a little reluctant to put myself out there again. So when I received a message saying “Hi” on Sunday, I didn’t expect it. To be honest, I wasn’t going to respond. But somehow, I did.

And that turned out to be the best decision I could have ever made because not only is the woman who messaged me beautiful, she’s also pretty damn intelligent (she’s a graduate student of theology), funny, caring, understanding, and also patient! Everything about her was attractive to me. I’m going to refer to her as “Chérie” because she’s mon chérie (French: My darling).

Our conversation started innocently enough. We talked about pets, mental health advocacy (she told me she liked my semi colon tattoo), nerdy interests, Netflix shows, and then for some reason, I started revealing more about my mental struggles – particularly my conflicting views of my faith and my sexual orientation.

That was when I started getting really attracted to Chérie. She told me that she was studying theology a couple of states away – I was bummed because after our deep conversation about really important topics (theology being one of them), I was smitten and I wanted so badly to meet this amazing woman. Our conversation was so effortless and everything we talked about was interesting to me. We would switch from a serious topic to a more light hearted one. Then we would discuss profound things and talk about our expectations.

We were up until 4am (I think it was either 4 or 4.30am) because we couldn’t stop talking to each other. In less than 24 hours, I learned a lot about Chérie. It was all at once, a lot but also not enough. I learned what she wanted to do in life, the kinds of things that she thinks about, the principles she lived by, her beliefs, and her convictions. I was head over heels by 4am.

The next day, we talked some more. We talked off and on, all day. All day.

I have poor memory so I can’t say for sure if this next thing I’m going to say is true or not but I don’t think I’ve ever felt with anyone else the way I have with Chérie. I had loved my Ex dearly but I don’t think it was ever the same kind of love. This feeling I had for Chérie was foreign enough to sweep me off my feet.

Our attraction was mutual and we started to discuss things that I’d never even dreamed of ever being able to discuss! After we both established our mutual interest in one another, we started laying down boundaries and “rules” so to speak. We started talking about what we expected from one another, what is too much, or what is too little, our future goals to see if they were in line with each other, some of our habits, some likes and dislikes, and we also laid some ground rules on intimacy. Chérie felt that it was important that our relationship began on a strong foundation that is not just rooted in hormonal lust. I agreed with her and in fact, she had taken the words right out of my mouth. As we communicated more, I started to realize that this woman is so similar to me that it’s uncanny! We have similar beliefs, the same principles, the same ideas about marriage and children, the same direction in terms of our future plans, and so on. We always speak about the same things at the same exact moments – we often have to tell each other that we’ve jinxed each other.

Chérie was also very sweet and kind when she learned of my past traumas and how much I’ve suffered through my life. She wanted to be clear with me that under no circumstances will she break the boundaries because she cares for me too much to hurt me. I was touched by her kindness and concern. I was so touched by her unselfish and sacrificial nature. It was refreshing!

So we decided that we were going to commit to each other – that we both felt so strongly for each other that it just made sense. Besides, I wouldn’t have liked it if she were to flirt with anyone else or be with anyone else. I wanted her so bad. I shut down all of my dating sites and told her that I wanted her to be a part of my life. She told me that she wanted the same.

We’re both in our 30’s so our mutual understanding and consideration were mature and I felt like we were both grounded enough to want this to work. She also made sure to tell me that she wants us to be individuals first, and then a couple – she didn’t want either of us to be codependent on the other.

I was flummoxed by the things that this woman had considered because it was so rare to find someone who is so aware of themselves to know what they wanted or not. This woman knew what she wanted and she wanted us to be able to function successfully by ourselves as well as when we’re together. I was impressed – this was all the stuff that I was taught about healthy relationships during my Peer Educators’ retreat!

I was actually practicing what I’ve learned! I was ecstatic because I felt that I had a breakthrough. I not only let go of my past relationship but I was also able to start a new one without the sense of desperation that I used to have with my previous relationship. I want things to work yes, but I’m also not acting like a creepy stalked the way I usually do when I’m smitten. I am letting things run their course. Allowing myself the permission to enjoy myself.

Tonight, Chérie proved to me that she was definitely a keeper. Due to a myriad of conflicting events that I’d experience, I nearly built up to a panic attack. Chérie managed to catch me at the cusp of one and she talked me down from it. She calmed me down with some simple questions that hit the core of my fears and anxiety. It was amazing – she reminded me of S because in the same calm manner, she asked me some questions to things that she knew I’d know. They were all knowledge that I already had but since I wasn’t focusing on those truths, I was slipping into the whirlpool of despair. She soothed me and comforted me, asking me what else she could do for me as I breathed and slowed down my thoughts. She told me how harshly I criticized myself, and how I don’t deserve to feel so awful all the time. Her words were powerful because I was able to calm down and switch gears back into normal mode.

Chérie then reminded me of how strong and resilient I am. She also stated that most people are not cognizant enough to know that their moods are being altered and that they’re being triggered into a panic attack. She reminded me of how far I’ve come as a person and how much progress I’ve done in my mental health recovery. She is right. I have come a long way and there will definitely be times when I’ll be weak, but for now, I realize that I am strong enough to withstand a lot of things.

I am blessed to have Chérie in my life. In just 2 days, she changed a lot of my perspectives and had helped me finally get back on my feet. She tells me in a very soothing manner that in the future, there might be times when I get knocked back down again but that it isn’t a sign of failure or of weakness but rather that I allowed myself to feel.

I’d never met anyone in my life who would be so supportive of my recovery. I was definitely happy this morning when I saw that she had changed her Facebook relationship status and had tagged me in it.

untitled-1

I don’t want to brag but in my opinion, I think we look gorgeous together.

Besides that huge life change, I also went on an interview with Apple. I can’t believe that they actually selected me for an interview out of 12 other candidates that had attended the hiring event a few weeks ago.

I was very nervous when I went in. Apple is a name-brand that is so popular globally that it’s hard not to feel like I’m under-qualified for the jobs – even if they were merely retail positions that were somewhat entry level. In order to boost my confidence, I had gone out and bought a vest for the occasion. My friend, El, commented that I look so good in a vest and noted that not everyone can successfully pull off wearing a vest.

So being well dressed upped my confidence and I went in with all smiles. The interview lasted maybe 30 minutes and through it all, I spoke confidently and never faltered even once. I, myself, could hear the passion in my voice as I spoke.

I think part of the reason I was so excited was just the fact that I had just gotten together with a gorgeous woman, so that added a tinge of happiness to my tone of voice and demeanor.

14642454_10157692881835002_2583660203130496396_n

I was told that I look “dapper af”. It made me really happy to feel so attractive and so confident.

So this week had turned around from my initial low – I had a walk-in on Friday, remember? – to a decent high. I can’t wait to talk to S tomorrow because  I think he’ll be proud to hear of the things I was able to say and do. Heck, I’m proud of myself!

It’s been a very very long time, but I think I can now say that I’m actually feeling happy – f0r the first time in 10 months, I feel happy. I am still slightly wary of the feeling because I don’t want the rug pulled out from under me but at the moment, I’m cautiously optimistic!

A Comparison of Past and Present

This was me, a year ago.

I had long hair and a different mental state. I was often a little less aware of myself, a lot less mindful and I struggle with many things. I struggled with depression, anxiety disorder, and ADHD.

This is me today.

I have  a bald fade on my sides and back of my head, accompanied by a mohawk with a fading teal color. I have my left ear pierced two other times so now I have 3 earrings on my left ear and one on my right. I still struggle with depression, anxiety disorder, and ADHD. In fact, my struggles this year have been so much more severe – so much so that I’ve been close to suicidal attempts each time I was triggered.

So what’s the difference?

Besides the stark physical difference where my hair is concerned, I feel like looking at the current picture, I can’t help but feel more me than the picture above it.

People have been pointing out the same thing.

I had coworkers who have said, “You know Jules, I can’t remember you with long hair. Somehow, it always feels like you’ve had short hair all this time!”, and “Jules, I cannot imagine you with anything but the short hair!”, and “Your short hair really suits you! Brings out your personality!”

They’re not the only ones who have said that. The group therapy leaders in Spring 2016 had said similar things – B had said, “I feel like you have a sense of confidence in you that I’d never seen before!”, whereas C had said, “It’s not just hair! It’s you. The hair encompasses all of you”

Somehow, I feel more comfortable with my wild mohawk/shaved do that I ever did with any other haircut. No longer do I uncomfortably brush my hair away from my face or try to tie it up to keep it out of my ears and face. Instead, nowadays, whenever I reach up to touch my head/hair, it’s to admire the way it feels on my head. Nowadays, I enjoy touching my head/hair and I’ve stopped fidgeting with how it looks. I even like to stroke the back of my head because it feels good to feel the tiny hair under my fingers. It feels velvety, almost like stroking a soft short-furred animal.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t help but smile. The number of selfies that I’ve taken have increased. Every single day, I want a record of how I looked that day. I know no one else cares how I look despite the fact that I keep posting my selfies on Facebook, but hey, I care.

Despite the similarities of circumstances and things that I’ve been struggling with as the me last year did, I feel different. I feel like I’ve changed so much, grown so much, learned so much. Like I’ve mentioned yesterday, I feel like I’m stronger. Even if it’s just by a little bit. I feel different.

I’ve also just deleted about 40 people off my Facebook list of friends because I no longer talk to any of those people. It felt like a burden had slid off my back. Somehow, just doing the mere act of clicking the “Unfriend” button had a significant mental health impact. It’s like I’m starting anew.

On my stablest and calmest days, I can do this without freaking out. I’m glad that I’m having a stable and calm day today. I’m glad that I am able to have a day like this to recognize the changes that I’ve made for myself that has led to a stronger me.

What I’ve Learned From 2015

I’ve stopped making New Year’s Resolutions years ago because I realized that if I want to change something about my life, I shouldn’t have to wait until the new year to do so. So now, whenever I’m unhappy with something and I make the decision to change, I change it then and there.

What I have started doing since last year though was write down all the things I’ve learned from the year that I could look back at and reread in the coming year. I have found that that exercise not only helps me be more grateful for everything that has happened but also allows me to refocus my energy on the things that did work and dump the things that didn’t.

Here are some things that I’ve learned this year – I’m bolding words to make it easier to follow the main points. Also, they’re not listed in any order. I’m just typing as I go:

  1. When someone (almost always, it’s not a person I’m very close to) asks me for my opinion on something, they don’t really want to hear it. All they really wanted was for me to agree with them and if I don’t, then they get upset and will try to defend their choices and the reasons they decided on those choices. So, the next time someone asks me for my opinion, unless I can trust that they want my opinion, then I’m not going to share it. It’s a waste of time and energy. I’ve spent countless late nights talking to some people who had asked me for my help and opinion to be shot down every single time. Not only was that an exercise in futility, it also hurt my feelings and sense of self-confidence.
  2. Writing and Drawing (or any other creative pursuits) saved me from myself and my depressive episodes. Just a few days ago, writing on this blog helped me overcome my desire to self-harm. So I’m going to keep doing this as much as I can.
  3. I am not bad at math as I’ve been led to believe all my life. In fact, I’ve fallen in love with it. Though I still don’t understand a lot of it, I do like it enough now to want to stir up the same love in others. I also like it enough to pursue a Minor in Mathematical Science! I learned that math isn’t all that hard as long as you work hard at it and have good teachers. I was thankful that I did have good teachers.
  4. Depression and Anxiety lies because they want to keep me in the dark with them. They tell me that I’m not worthy, that nothing I do is ever enough and that I will never be better. The worst part is, I’ve learned that I not only believe them, I’m also addicted to their abuse.
  5. I’ve learned to overcome my own misconceptions about people with disabilities and mental illnesses because I myself became a part of that community of people. I learned that everything I knew about this community were false and that I had been blinded by what the media tells me to believe about this community. In fact, I’ve learned that I’ve not found a more supportive and kinder group of people than those who have mental illnesses and disabilities!
  6. If I don’t speak up and advocate for mental health, people will continue to be ignorant. I hear many ignorant statements about mental illnesses daily – especially when people find out that I’m mentally ill. It has spurred me on to want to keep talking and writing about it. I’ve recently also realized my purpose in life – that is to share my life and experiences to others so that they may also be helped.
  7. I learned who my real friends are and made some new friends that I hope I’ll always be able to depend on and trust.
  8. I’ve learned what empathy really means and am still learning how to show empathy towards others as well as speak emphatically towards others when they are in need of a shoulder to lean on.
  9. I’ve learned that psychotherapy works and I’ve learned to put my trust in my psychologist. I’m still resisting him because of point #4 where I’m still addicted to my depression but I know that he’s there to help me. I’ve overcome my skepticism about therapy and how talking can really help a lot.
  10. I learned that my expertise in art seems to be skyline drawings and working with ink. I’ve produced some pieces that I’m really proud of and that’s saying something because I’m usually never proud of my own work.
  11. I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I slipped into a major depressive episode sometime in the end of August and am now crawling out of it. It had been 4 months of pain and suffering in which I had started self-harming and my suicidal thoughts went to extremes, but now that I’m starting to come out of it, I realize that despite it all, I’m still here. It proves that I can go through the same pain and suffering again and still emerge on the other side. I realize that it all sucks but despite the pain, I’ve learned so much about myself and my own resilience.
  12. Resilience can be learned and cultivated. Practicing resilience is a daily affair and the more I do it, the easier it is for me to accept other people’s differences and to not allow myself to get too worked up over things that I can’t control.
  13. Going to see the on-call psychologist is not a reason to feel ashamed and that asking for help when I need it is not a reason to feel like I’m a burden to others. It’s something I need to continue to affirm – that it’s ok to ask for help.
  14. I can physically relocate but unless I process and deal with the issues that made me relocate in the first place, the memories and thoughts will always continue to haunt me wherever I go.
  15. It’s never too late to change. It’s never too late to learn new things. It’s never too late to change my career trajectory. It’s never too late to go back to school. Going back to school has made the hugest difference in my life!
  16. I have an amazingly loyal, loving and kind husband who is always there for me despite how shitty I am towards him some days. He has told me yesterday that my happiness is the only thing that matters to him and that he’ll do whatever it takes to make me happy.
  17. Quitting sugar isn’t as hard as I thought it would be – it is possible to cut down on the amount I consume and still feel okay. In fact, it feels better than ok because I’ve lost almost 30 pounds since I started cutting out sugar and physically, I feel better than I have months ago!
  18. Star Wars isn’t a bad franchise when JJ Abrams rebooted it and it is actually a franchise that has characters that I really relate to. The Force is like a metaphor for my own life and I’m blown away by how mindfulness is a prevalent theme in the series. I’ve since watched Star Wars: The Force Awakens 6 times now!
  19. I still need to figure out how to overcome myself and slow down my thoughts when I’m overwhelmed because I’ve learned that nothing really seems to help. I thought that having temporary tattoos or bracelets or visible reminders of my struggles would help but they really don’t. Not even the self harm wounds and scars help me slow down. It must be the ADHD impulsivity overcoming my more rational mind.
  20. Every day is a new day to try again. If I fail the first time, I get up and I try again.

I’m sure there’s more and if you let me, I’m gong to keep writing so I’m going to stop at 20. These are 20 things that I’ve learned about myself this year and I hope that I will not only carry all these lessons forward but also learn new ones!

If you’ve read this far, wow, that’s amazing. I usually don’t have the attention span to be able to read long posts and I admire those of you who do and are able to get this far through my ramblings. You have my gratitude for your attention!

Happy 2016 and may this year bring you lots of new opportunities and lessons!

Lessons From Painting

Painting is an exercise in letting go for me. It’s teaching me that it’s ok to let go and that when I let go, I just need to go with the flow and deal with the consequences as they come.

I was painting my “warm colors” composition when I went a little over zealous with the black paint and now my painting is turning out to not be what I want it to be.

However, I’ve learned from past painting experiences that it’s the works that didn’t turn out the way I want that will end up looking the best. I also realized that when I control my strokes too much, that the work turns out too serious and rigid. There seems to be less heart in my work when I control things.

I’m hoping that through these painting exercises that I can learn to apply similar principles in real life. I sure need to let go a little more and just enjoy what comes instead of gripping so hard to things I can’t control.

Perhaps I’ll have less panic attacks that way.

Left Out

I know I recently wrote about friends and how someone who confesses to struggling with mental illnesses often lose friends because suddenly, you’re a burden to be around. To be honest, this is a topic that is still really really bothering me.

In fact, the topic of “friendship” has come up this whole week for me. It seems like I have a theme every week to discuss with my therapist – last week it was the theme of “rejection” and “abandonment” by people around me. Next week’s theme seems to be “friendship”, the way my week has been going. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. I digress (I really shouldn’t be writing blog posts at the end of the night before I turn in to bed because by now, I’m really very unfocused).

I know everyone has their own lives to live and no one’s lives revolve around mine. I understand that fully. I also understand that just because someone is a “friend”, doesn’t mean that you and them need to hang out together all the time. I get it. We all have our own separate lives to lead. But you’d think that despite that, if someone is a friend enough, that they’d get invited for special events, right?

Well, maybe I mistook the relationships I’ve had for “friendship”. It was probably my mistake because I thought these individuals were my friends. It was my mistake to put my trust in them and to invite them into my life. It was my mistake that I had so easily and quickly given them access to my thoughts and stories. So it was my mistake then, that they turned around, stomped all over my heart and spat on me.

Or maybe, I’m just so deeply depressed that I forget that it isn’t all about me. Maybe like some people suggest, I just need to get over myself. Maybe I just need to stop looking so inwardly that everything is suddenly an offensive gesture.

I don’t know. I don’t understand why I am always that person who gets used and ditched the minute I’m no longer useful. I don’t understand how I have rarely been able to find a friend who is truly there for me as I would be for them. In my experience, sans my husband, I’ve only been able to find one other person whose love and friendship have been unconditional. Maybe I’m asking for too much?

The way I see it, I’m the common denominator in all these “friendships”. Thus, I must be the reason why I’m getting treated so poorly, right? If it wasn’t something I did or said, then why would people hate me so?

I won’t go into details of what has happened throughout this week where friends are concerned but suffice to say, I’ve been left out of things (or at least I feel I have) and seemingly been getting the cold shoulder from several individuals I thought were friends.

Ultimately, I wonder if I should just quit social media, especially Facebook, or maybe just start over with only select individuals. I think I let people in too quickly and trust too easily. Unfortunately, this is a pattern that has repeated way too many times in my life and despite telling myself that I’m gong to learn from it, I never do.

At this point, I don’t understand anything anymore. I just know that I am hurting really badly and I see no point in trying any longer.

((And yes, I’m aware that my anxiety is running amuck tonight. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow when I’ve had a chance to sleep. I might even feel embarrassed to have written this dumb post.))

What It Was Like To Be A Freshman At 29

So I’ve officially ended my first semester back in college after an 8-year hiatus. The grades are coming in – I’ve gotten 3 grades of 4, with MATH153 still trailing behind the others (which is understandable since the Professor had 200 students to grade for). I’m pleased to announce that I’m currently holding a 4.0 GPA (that is until I get my MATH153 grade) so I actually did pretty well in school so far…

Anyway, I’m going to summarize my experience in college as a 29-year-old. Of course, this post isn’t all inclusive as I’m sure there will be things I’ll forget to add but as much as possible, these are the things that I’ve experienced this semester.

The Good

  • I learned a lot!
    • Academically speaking, I learned that math isn’t as difficult as popular opinion dictates and with the right facilitator or teacher, even someone who constantly struggled with math can succeed!. It was a continual discovery for me as I got better and better at math. I’m not so good that I’d start doing statistics and calculus now or so good that I’d willing do those courses, BUT good enough that I’m projecting either an A or a high B for my final grade in the Algebra and Trigonometry 1 class. I’m also good enough now that I no longer dread math and am starting to enjoy it – two things that I never thought I would ever come to terms with!
    • I learned how to use one of the most complicated programs I’ve ever seen – autoCAD. I’m sure there are more complicated programs out there that I’ve never even heard of but for my caliber, autoCAD is pretty complicated. I’m so excited to know that I not only managed to learn this program but also got an A in the class! I thoroughly enjoyed this class and though I still can’t say I like orthographic projections or isometric drawings yet, I still liked learning how to draw those in this program! It also makes me very grateful to be living in a time where I can simply use a program to create complicated architectural drawings and that I don’t have to do complicated math myself to achieve the level of technicality that architectural drawings require.
    • I learned a lot about the industry of Interior Design. I learned the basics of hand drafting floor plans, using technical terms, using design principles as well as how to present ideas and design concepts. From my Introduction to Interior Design class, I learned the fundamentals of being an Interior Designer. Although the final project was very overwhelming initially (I had to design a living room, parts of a kitchen, a dining room and a sunroom), in the end, it was a very satisfying project to finish. It also made me aware of the designs that I personally find pleasing (I found that I leaned towards more masculine designs like contemporary, industrial and loft designs).
    • I learned how to draw with proper proportions and I finally learned how to draw perspective drawings. Through my Drawing class, I also greatly improved my drawing skills – it was something I found most exciting because though I’ve been drawing my entire life, I don’t think I’ve been very good at it until recently. As someone who wants to make art a side business in the future somehow, I’m very pleased with this part of my growth.
    • Non-academically, I learned new things about myself and my own strengths and weaknesses. I learned that I have several mental illnesses that need addressed and through learning of them, I am able to now take steps towards recovery. I also learned that the expectations that I put on myself can be a little too lofty but it is those expectations that is going to propel me forward and further than I’ve ever been in my life! I also learned that by exposing myself to like-minded people, my creativity is boosted and I find myself using my brain more than I ever have.
  • I met a number of really cool people.
    • Although most of them were non-traditional students that I had befriended, they were all awesome people. It’s a little strange though that I ended up befriending people who were either my own age or older because I never intended to do so. In fact, I never really intended to make any friends. I was going back to school to achieve my own academic goals but I ended up with some friends! How amazing is that?
    • One of these people, a middle-aged man (who often described himself as “the old homo”), is definitely someone I grew close with through this semester. He and I were partners in a couple of classes – by choice of course – and we found out how well we worked together. He brought his perspective as a former professional in the industry who had returned to school to pursue a Bachelor’s in the field as well as an interesting man with many talents (he sings in a choir, for example!) while I brought my perspective as a former college English teacher, an immigrant and an Oriental Asian. The amount of things I learned from him was tremendous – I learned so much about our industry and about the different sources/vendors/manufacturers and picked up Interior Design related terms and language as well. He told me that on his part, he learned to be more flexible with his outlook and in his designs because he learned that not everyone would like the same things or agree with the same concepts – especially not someone who is foreign.
    • On a more personal level, though I have gay friends, I’ve never really hung out with a gay guy as much as I have had with him. I really learned new things on that level and I really enjoyed getting to know him!
  • I get student discounts!
    • As someone who has to work an unstable hourly job, every single discount counts! So I’m delighted to say that this is one of the best perks of being a student! The discounts! I also get heavily discounted or free softwares like autoCAD, Photoshop, Microsoft Office etc. It’s really awesome!
  • Everything is new.
    • Being a student meant that I was going to a new place and being in a new place, I am constantly finding new things to see, do and experience. I’m a very experience based person and I enjoy gathering new experiences (yes, even painful ones).
  • It provides a distraction.
    • As mentioned before, I suffer from ADHD, mild anxiety and moderate depression. Going to school provides me a relief from the day-to-day grind that contributes to more depression. Going to class and working on projects take my mind off of the more depressing realities that I struggle with daily.

The Bad

  • I learned that I hate my job even more now.
    • I actually dread the weekends because it meant that I’ll be back to work. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy working with the people I work with. They’re some of the most amazing people I have the privilege to know. However, I find that I seriously dislike the job itself. I found that my patience with rude and entitled people has worn itself so thin that I’m wary that I might snap someday. I don’t like how meaningless it can be to do the same thing over and over every single day. As a job, in itself, it’s not a bad job. But when you add the stress of dealing with ungrateful people, it just really mars the overall enjoyment of the job. Perhaps if people were to treat me like an actual human being with real feelings, things would be better. Otherwise, I love Mondays because it means that I’ll be back in school for the next 4 days.
  • I dislike the uncaring and apathetic “teenagers” I meet in school.
    • I say “teenagers” because despite being supposed “young adults”, none of these kids act like they are anything but adolescents. Sure, they’ve all just graduated high school and as freshmen (or even sophomores), nothing is more important to them than their desire for fun and personal gain. Who cares about classes or the Professors? Everyone around them is there to serve them and their needs. I dislike hearing these young people bad mouth their teachers and staff the most. To be fair, not all of them are like that; it’s only unfortunate that I’ve managed to come across too many that are.
  • Travelling.
    • It’s extremely annoying that my husband has to drive me to school, drive himself home and then drive back to school to pick me up and drive us both home again. All because my ADHD prevents me from functioning normally as a driver. I also really dislike the amount of time we spend just travelling from place to place. It takes us about 40 minutes on a good day to about 1 hour and 30 minutes to reach campus and back again. That’s a lot of time that I could spend doing other things instead of being stuck in a car.

Overall, I discovered plenty of new things for myself as well as deepened my love for drawing and design. Going into Interior Design had never been a better choice!

One of my Professors thanked me at the end of the final class and said that myself and the other 3 non-traditional students (i.e. the older students) really brought an edge to the class and helped bring a good focus to the younger students. She said that in previous classes, she’d never had students be so attentive and she’s never had much interactions between students because no one would speak up or ask questions. She also said that the four of us really motivated the younger ones to sit up and pay attention. “Hey look. They’re our competition. This is what it’s like to be an adult now” was basically what she said the younger students were thinking. We had several really unmotivated students in the beginning of the class but by the end of it, they managed to pull through. I’d like to think that my being back in school didn’t only benefit me but others as well! It’s an amazing feeling!

Now summer break has begun and I really can’t wait for when Fall semester begins!

Of Friendship

You can really tell who your friends are by who responds when you’re in need.

“I need help with…” is a sure-fire way for one to lose their friends. People with a large Facebook friends’ list need to do this from time to time to weed out the real friends and the friends who are just hanging around in case they can profit off you somehow (or the ones who are hanging around just so that they can gather information about you and then gossip about you).

What’s worse, if you desperately need money, the people you thought were friends will disappear without a trace! The same people will also forget of all the times that you have helped them or supported them financially. They’ll tell you that they made it through all by themselves and that you had no part in it even if you have proof that you had wired money into their funds.

When you need help, suddenly people no longer care about you and instead see you as a bane of their lives. Even if all you are really asking for is a donation of $5 per person. They can spend lots of money on Starbucks, getting new tattoos, buying new gadgets, shopping and getting new makeup but God-forbid that they should donate $5 to you.

They’ll tell you that they need the money to feed their own family and that what you are doing is frivolous compared to their serious need to buy new things and get new tattoos or support a massive corporation that sells coffee. That $5 is just too much.

They’ll also ask you what you have ever done for them. They’ll forget that you were there for them through their suffering. They’ll forget the times that you’ve visited them when they were sick or down. They’ll forget the donations you’ve made for them or the food you’ve bought them. They’ll forget the genuine friendship you offered them.

I often get screwed over by people I thought were my friends. Time and again throughout my life, all the people I thought were my friends abandon me at my most desperate time of need and I find out that they really were just around because they want to make a mockery of me or because they thought it was entertaining to talk about me with others. I’ve made so many mistakes like that and yet I keep making them. You’d think that at almost-30, I’d have learned by now right?

Well, guess I haven’t because right now, I find that a majority of the people I know are just so-called “friends”. So, I’ve decided to downsize my Facebook friends’ list again and have deleted a bunch of people who don’t belong there. After all, you want only friends in your friends’ list, right?