If you Google, “How to tie a noose”, the first result that comes up is a message assuring you that help is available and to call a crisis line number. 

I told S that today and he responded with an enthusiastic, “That’s cool!” 

While I do agree with him wholeheartedly that it is cool, I also noted that what I’d said piqued his attention. He sat up a little straighter and leaned forward a little more. 

How would I know this if I hadn’t done this search? 

Well, the fact is, I have. I did this search sometime earlier this week…. Or maybe it was late last week. I don’t remember anymore. My days are melding together… 

Last night, I was in the deepest part of the pit. I’d fallen back. S noted that whenever I fall, I fall hard and I fall steep. I go from any slight frustration to full blown hopelessness and despair at the drop of a hat. It’s insane. 

My friend noted that by doing so, repeating negative patterns in my life, I will keep getting attention from people which is a good feeling to have and is therefore very addicting. She might be right about that… I do recognize a child-like need for attention. And I can’t deny that I do like attention. 

I was angry earlier. I was angry at a lot of things. I was grocery shopping and while I was angry, the anger turned inward and I marched straight to the hunting aisle to look for hunting knives. By my count, now S has a collection of my knives – I’m fast becoming a knife collector. He already has 4 of them. I wanted to hurt myself. I was angry at others but instead of allowing myself to feel that anger and to tell myself that it’s ok to be angry, I wanted to cut. Such an automatic response. 

It’s habit. I’ve been doing that for so long that it’s second nature to me now. I know it’s going to be hard to change that automated response but I’m going to have to try. The adult needs to stop feeling sorry for herself. She and the child are now a little more united than they used to be so now the adult is throwing rage tantrums. 

Anyway… I have a bundle of rope in front of me. It’s 50 feet long. Probably more than enough for me to do something stupid with. S asked me if I could bring that in to him. I said I would…. But I won’t see him for another week… In the meantime, I have this rope. I did the search. 

I know I’m smarter than this. So why do I keep throwing myself a pity party and wanting to do silly things like this to gain attention? How real is my suicidal threat? 

To be honest, I don’t know. 

Last Night Before Huge Changes 

Tonight is the last night I’ll ever spend in this apartment. From tomorrow onwards, my life will be a complete 180. 

I have yet to figure out how to live the rest of my miserable life though I have come up with several ways I can shorten it. The only thing it’ll take it is actual guts to go through with said ways. I don’t think I have it in me to do it. 

I can’t stop crying and have been sobbing like a baby for the past half an hour. 

Oh, poor child. Poor, poor child… I know you’re hurting. I know how painful it is and I know you’ve been hurt so so much in your lifetime. It’s okay, child. Everything will be okay. I’m here. Teen is here too. We’re here to take care of you, child. You’ll be alright. S is not here, but we are very much in his thoughts and concern. We care just as much as he does. Come here, child. Cry it out if that’s what you need. I’ll hold you until you feel better, ok? 

I think that actually helped. The child actually feels comforted and the tears are fewer now. 

I still can’t believe that just 3 months ago, I was still married. I still can’t believe that everyone has moved on but me – me? I’m left picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. I still find it hard to accept that I’m moving tomorrow and will for the first time in 5 years, be all alone. I haven’t been independent in 5 years! 

People tell me that I’m capable. They say that I’m strong. They tell me that I’ll get through this. 

I’m frustrated to hear that. Even if I’m resilient enough to overcome this, it doesn’t mean that I’m doing okay right now. I know people mean well but that doesn’t mean that they can’t still say jerk sounding things. 

The Ex told me that we’ll still be best friends (and indeed we’re very good at being friends but bad at being partners), that it’s just going to be a little different. I don’t want different. The child doesn’t want different, hence the tantrums. 

Change is inevitable, as I’ve previously mentioned. There is no easy way but to go through it, as much as it sucks. 

Thoughts From Therapy – #75 – Relinquishing My Weapon and A Change of Style

The session with S went well enough… At the start. Near the end, it took a turn for the worse because the child was craving more attention while the adult wanted to keep us safe.

So the adult said to S, “I didn’t want to tell you this….” I paused because the child started to protest. After a few moments of hesitation, the adult regained control and continued, “I actually bought a knife…”

Continue reading

Deep Anguish

I just cut myself.

The emotional anguish I feel is so great that nothing I did or thought about helped.

I was near tears at every moment and indeed cried multiple times today. The Ex treated me to frozen yogurt and that calmed the child down for a little while but the rage, hopelessness, and despair came rushing back regardless.

I kept asking the child what was wrong. I kept trying to figure out what it was that was bothering me so that I could overcome it but I had no answers.

So now I have two cuts on my arm because I needed to vent.

I didn’t even go to group therapy today because I didn’t think I could be of any use to the group in my current mental state. I feel really bad about that too.

I feel so mentally ill. I can’t explain it.

I just want to die.

Weathering The Storm

I have a post that I wrote last week that hasn’t been published because it’s only halfway done. It’s probably the only hopeful post I have because since then, my life has taken a turn downwards. 

At this time, things are looking bleak for me and its hard for me to not wallow in the filth of extreme sadness, loss, and negativity. 

My adult self knows that I will get better and knows that I’m strong enough to weather this storm, but my teenager and child selves are terrified, sad, grieving, angry, and bitter. 2 against 1. It’s hard then for me to get back up and stay standing. 

The adult has been reaching out for help and support. She’s trying to show the young ones that they can do it. That I can make it past this seemingly perpetual pain. It’s an uncharacteristic move for me – to allow myself to be vulnerable and to ask for help. It’s also uncharacteristic because my tendency is to always withdraw when I’m in anguish – like the dog that’s injured that hides away to deal with its wound by itself. 

Thankfully, people have been reaching back and supporting me. If I didn’t have this support system, I don’t know how I could still be here because if I’m still struggling so much when I have support, imagine how much worse I’d be without… 

I wrote a group wide message to all my coworkers at the restaurant to tell them what I’m going through. I wanted to be transparent with them and I wanted their help and support because they’re the people I see the most. I was not surprised by the people who did respond and who wrote me kind messages because I knew that I’ve found a group of people who are loving and caring. I was touched by their words and their kind gestures. 

One of my managers even gave me a hug the next time I went to work and gave me a heart-to-heart talk. He assured me that he has my back and that he truly thinks that I’m an amazing person who is strong enough to get through this rough patch. One thing he said really stuck with me. He said, “It speaks volumes about your strength that every single shift I’ve worked with you, you’ve never once showed anyone that you were in any way struggling because you’re always so positive.” 

There it is again. Strength and resilience. Multiple people have told me that I have it. I believe them now. I know I have it. If only the younger selves could recognize that too. 

Some people told me that everything I’m feeling right now is valid. That I should allow myself to feel those feelings because like S said, “the path to healing lies through the anger, and all the negative feelings”. He explained that if I just side step the feelings or suppress them altogether, I will keep myself in the depression. So, I’m going to let the teenager and the child feel what they need to feel – the teenager with her angst and anger, and the child with her pain, rage, and fear. 

I’m expecting things to get worse for me in the next few weeks. I already hurt so much that I can’t imagine hurting anymore but I know it’s going to get worse. So many things are changing for me. It’s difficult to try and grasp on to anything because I constantly feel like I’m slipping but I’m trying. 

I’m trying. 

A Most Painful Memory – Thoughts From Therapy #58

Just like Monday’s session, and every session I’ve ever had, Wednesday’s session with S started with him asking me how I was. I told him that I am not as good as I “should” be – to which he responded in an amused tone, “Not as good as you should?”

Continue reading