Trigger warning: Talk about self-harm in this post.
I think I’m kidding myself and I’m pretending when I’m in front of everyone else.
I don’t think I’m as well as I want to feel and just because I’m not thinking of something, doesn’t mean it’s not in my mind.
I’m trying to be patient and when in times of loneliness, I’ve sought out the company of friends. I don’t think it’s really helping or that it’s really working.
I thought about S and though I don’t want to let him down, sometimes, I feel like just like in my marriage, I’d just been making promises I can’t keep. I promised him that I wouldn’t hurt myself or go and buy a knife – though I haven’t broken those promises, I feel like at any moment, I could.
My anxiety has been increasing because it’s only 8 days until school begins again and I don’t know if I can handle all the responsibilities that schoolwork will throw at me while working 4 full shifts at the restaurant, working 12 hours at the Math Assistance Center, and contributing my time and energy as a Peer Educator, all while trying to keep my mental health in check. I know something has got to give. I fear that my education might be the thing that gives. That, or maybe I’ll lose my job. If I do, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to financially support myself.
I tell myself I’ll be fine. But I can’t believe it. I know people believe in me and I know that they care.
Yet, at the same time, I can’t stop myself from wishing that nobody did, just so I can leave this existence without hurting anyone but myself. I’d rather that nobody cared at this point because I just don’t want to keep going. Having people care means that I can’t hurt them by leaving their lives so suddenly.
Even in all my pain, I keep thinking about how many people I’ll hurt if I take my own life. A part of me, the child most probably, hates that because I care about others more than I do myself. I think the child wants me to care for myself. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to care about me. Is it because I don’t feel like I’m worthy to have such care? I don’t know.
At the moment, I feel hopeless again.
Recently, a coworker had messaged me and told me some very inappropriate things – it made me feel violated and uncomfortable. Initially, when he told me how he felt and what his thoughts had been, I had told him that though I was flattered, I wasn’t interested. Then his words started gnawing at me and I felt more and more uncomfortable as the days passed. Today, I told my GM about it and he took it very seriously – he told me that he and the management team has my back fully. That if the coworker seeks recourse in any way at all, he will be terminated from his job. So I’d been struggling with that too – feeling awkward around said coworker, still feeling violated and somehow naked, feeling really unsafe and insecure.
When I reached out for comfort and protection, I got none. I wanted to talk to S on Friday because I felt so bad but he wasn’t in that day. I didn’t think that what the coworker had said would affect me so much but I guess it had affected me more than I would allow myself to believe.
I guess at this point in time, I just don’t know how to deal with life.
I practically made S run out of his office to meet me today. I feel embarrassed to say that I not only had a walk-in session today before my group therapy session, but that I also had group therapy, AND I also requested to see S.
The session with S went well enough… At the start. Near the end, it took a turn for the worse because the child was craving more attention while the adult wanted to keep us safe.
So the adult said to S, “I didn’t want to tell you this….” I paused because the child started to protest. After a few moments of hesitation, the adult regained control and continued, “I actually bought a knife…”
-Potential trigger warning: This post contains content that deal with childhood sexual trauma and self-harming thoughts. Note that this is also going to be a really long post.-
It is a strange thing that I feel that I deserve more compassion when I see myself as someone else than when I see myself in the first person. In the midst of raging thoughts of self-harm, my person, SH, messaged me on Facebook with two simple words, “You ok?”. I contemplated how to answer him.
I wanted to lie. I wanted so badly to lie so that I could go and hurt myself.
I don’t like trigger warnings because it implies that people with mental illnesses are too weak to even read about distressing things but since I don’t know what everyone’s situations or mental state is like, I’ll just say that this post talks about self harm.
So this evening, after a very distressing day, I lost my battle to self harm. I’ve been pretty good about not self harming since the last time I found out that crying instead of cutting helped me better.
I think all rationality went out the window tonight when one last thing I experienced before I reached for the knife broke my logical non-self-harming part of my mind. The “teenager” was quick to tell me that I deserved to be punished and 9 times I ran the knife over my arm.
Of course it burned. Angry red welts appeared on my arm. Despite the stinging, somehow, I felt pleased. There was one thing in my life that I can control right now. I felt things spiral out of control earlier and it almost felt like a necessity to reach for the knife.
Now, I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed for giving in and for letting the teenager take control. I feel angry for not being in better control of my desires. I feel betrayed by the teenager who had promised a truce with me last week. She said that she wouldn’t try to hurt me anymore this week. The truce certainly didn’t last long.