Loss and Lost

My ex got married today.

I don’t know how to feel.

He’s still my friend but I’ll be honest, it’s hard to know what to feel because on one hand, I’m happy that he was able to find someone, but on the other hand, I’m still raw from our divorce. I’m still grieving and feeling all the losses.

I know we all grieve at our own pace but I wish my pace could hurry up a little bit.

I’d like to be able to move on too but my mind can’t get past the fact that I used to be married but not anymore. My mind keeps going back to dwelling on all that I’ve lost and not at all that I’ve gained. I still self sabotage. I still hurt myself.

I feel lost and alone.

I wish I knew what I should do.

Also, to make things worse, I just got the results of my second Calculus test back. I got a 56/100. That is the lowest result I’ve ever gotten in any math classes I’ve ever taken. I feel like a failure because I’m repeating Calculus 1 and I should be good enough this time around to be getting A’s all the time. And yet, I’m not. What the hell is going on with me?

My friend said that I’m distracted. She’s right. I am distracted. I am also exhausted. So I’ve been falling asleep in class every single day. I can’t balance my life. I can’t keep to my schedule. I am not making any money at any of my jobs.

I’m so stressed out, it’s unbelievable. My friend asked me if I could still just take the semester off. It’s already Week 5 (starting tomorrow). It’s too late now. Now, I have to deal with my poor decisions and do the best I can.

Unfortunately, I think that my best will just not suffice. I’ve gone from a straight A’s student to a B student. What if I slide even further down and become a C student? I can’t even think about that right now but with my severe lack of motivation and high risk of suicide, I really don’t think things are improving for me.

Last Night Before Huge Changes 

Tonight is the last night I’ll ever spend in this apartment. From tomorrow onwards, my life will be a complete 180. 

I have yet to figure out how to live the rest of my miserable life though I have come up with several ways I can shorten it. The only thing it’ll take it is actual guts to go through with said ways. I don’t think I have it in me to do it. 

I can’t stop crying and have been sobbing like a baby for the past half an hour. 

Oh, poor child. Poor, poor child… I know you’re hurting. I know how painful it is and I know you’ve been hurt so so much in your lifetime. It’s okay, child. Everything will be okay. I’m here. Teen is here too. We’re here to take care of you, child. You’ll be alright. S is not here, but we are very much in his thoughts and concern. We care just as much as he does. Come here, child. Cry it out if that’s what you need. I’ll hold you until you feel better, ok? 

I think that actually helped. The child actually feels comforted and the tears are fewer now. 

I still can’t believe that just 3 months ago, I was still married. I still can’t believe that everyone has moved on but me – me? I’m left picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. I still find it hard to accept that I’m moving tomorrow and will for the first time in 5 years, be all alone. I haven’t been independent in 5 years! 

People tell me that I’m capable. They say that I’m strong. They tell me that I’ll get through this. 

I’m frustrated to hear that. Even if I’m resilient enough to overcome this, it doesn’t mean that I’m doing okay right now. I know people mean well but that doesn’t mean that they can’t still say jerk sounding things. 

The Ex told me that we’ll still be best friends (and indeed we’re very good at being friends but bad at being partners), that it’s just going to be a little different. I don’t want different. The child doesn’t want different, hence the tantrums. 

Change is inevitable, as I’ve previously mentioned. There is no easy way but to go through it, as much as it sucks. 

Fear of the Dark

My friends (who also happen to be my coworkers) invited me out for a night of camping today. 

I am glad I came out because I am enjoying myself, not because I like the humidity, the bugs, or the sleeping on the ground, but rather because I got to spend time with people I see often at work but don’t get to socialize much with. 

I wish we could do this without having to subject ourselves to the weather and the outdoors. I’m just very convinced now that I’m not an outdoorsy person. In fact, now, I’m very glad that I never completed the selections program to join the Malaysian military because I think I’d have a horrible time. In retrospect, despite how broken I was by the decision that got me cut from selections, I am actually not upset that I now live a more comfortable life. 

Anyway, besides realizing that I’m not an outdoorsy person, I now also confirm my fear of the dark. As a child, I was terrified of it. As S and I explore my past and traumas, I’ve learned that I’m afraid of the dark because I used to be punished as a child to sit on a stool in the middle of a room and I remember multiple instances where I was all alone in a dark room. Just writing of this trauma itself chills me to the bone, even now as an adult. Now that I’m older, I can tolerate the dark enough and maintain some bravado, but I am still extremely uncomfortable in it. 

Right now as I’m typing this, I’m sitting by the campfire with my friends. And for a little while, I was afraid. I also feel afraid for later tonight, when I have to crawl into my tent and sleep in it by myself. In the dark. In a tent. In the outdoors. Goodness, I hope I don’t induce a panic attack on myself from thinking about being in the dark. 

I’m also starting to feel depressed again. I often get that feeling when I’m around a lot of people. It’s that sense of disconnection that I get. 

I also received a message from JS (Hubster – I need to change this to ex at some point) that reminds me that I’m no longer the focus of his attention. What it made me feel is unimportant. Even if he tells me that he still cares for me, I find that hard to believe. I want to believe him but I just can’t. He is frustrated that I don’t believe that he still cares for me but as a person with severe abandonment issues, I feel abandoned. Even if that’s not what’s happening, I can’t help how I feel. 

I’m just afraid, I guess. I need S. Speaking to his colleague, J, was helpful last week. But ultimately, it was not the same kind of experience. I feel desperately alone and afraid. 

I think of how I have to move to a new place in a few days and I haven’t even packed yet. I think about how I’m going to be all alone in that basement. And how dark it’s going to be down there. 

When I used to be afraid of things in the past I knew who I could turn to. I used to have someone I could depend on to help me through but I’ve lost that now. And lately, I’ve been trying to reach out for help and support but it’s been difficult to get what I need. I feel my loss even deeper now. It’s very distressing. 

Maybe I just need to stop thinking. Maybe that will help me not feel so much. 

Of Being Kind Despite Circumstances 

So many people have told me that I’m the “bigger person”, that I’ve shown so much grace, patience, and kindness to someone they didn’t think I should even interact with. 

The person told me today that they appreciate my kindness so much. That she didn’t think I’d be this way towards her. She said that she felt grateful that she not only gained a partner, but also gained a new friend. That I was able to be so mature as to be willing to spend time with them

I was stable today. Mostly because I allowed the child to come out and play. To enjoy herself as we watched the new Star Trek movie, go to the mall for bubble tea, then later for frozen yogurt, and then to skateboard. So being stable, I was able to spend time with them without the usual meltdowns that I’ve been having. I was able to have logical conversations. 

I told her that I am the way I am because I think about how I’d like to be treated if I were in her shoes. I try to think of the bigger picture, to take on the role of being a mature and kind person. I also genuinely like her. 

That said, I can’t stop myself from the jealousy, anger, grief, and resentment that wells up when I’m not so stable and coherent. I just can’t. 

My emotional side hasn’t caught up with my intellectual side. So I’m constantly having to struggle with myself over how I feel because I want to be stronger than that – I want to be able to be genuinely happy for them while also taking care of myself. 

I want to be able to tell myself that my emotions are valid but so are theirs. That I am the person I am because of what we had gone through, and he is the person he is because of the same reason. That I have no reason to compare. It’s also different and so comparing does nothing productive. 

Anyway, I’m trying my best to be stable. I’ve been doing things that I’d describe as self care like accepting my coworker’s invitation to go camping next Tuesday, having ice cream, playing video games, tsking naps, and so on. I am trying and some days are really easier than others. 

Weathering The Storm

I have a post that I wrote last week that hasn’t been published because it’s only halfway done. It’s probably the only hopeful post I have because since then, my life has taken a turn downwards. 

At this time, things are looking bleak for me and its hard for me to not wallow in the filth of extreme sadness, loss, and negativity. 

My adult self knows that I will get better and knows that I’m strong enough to weather this storm, but my teenager and child selves are terrified, sad, grieving, angry, and bitter. 2 against 1. It’s hard then for me to get back up and stay standing. 

The adult has been reaching out for help and support. She’s trying to show the young ones that they can do it. That I can make it past this seemingly perpetual pain. It’s an uncharacteristic move for me – to allow myself to be vulnerable and to ask for help. It’s also uncharacteristic because my tendency is to always withdraw when I’m in anguish – like the dog that’s injured that hides away to deal with its wound by itself. 

Thankfully, people have been reaching back and supporting me. If I didn’t have this support system, I don’t know how I could still be here because if I’m still struggling so much when I have support, imagine how much worse I’d be without… 

I wrote a group wide message to all my coworkers at the restaurant to tell them what I’m going through. I wanted to be transparent with them and I wanted their help and support because they’re the people I see the most. I was not surprised by the people who did respond and who wrote me kind messages because I knew that I’ve found a group of people who are loving and caring. I was touched by their words and their kind gestures. 

One of my managers even gave me a hug the next time I went to work and gave me a heart-to-heart talk. He assured me that he has my back and that he truly thinks that I’m an amazing person who is strong enough to get through this rough patch. One thing he said really stuck with me. He said, “It speaks volumes about your strength that every single shift I’ve worked with you, you’ve never once showed anyone that you were in any way struggling because you’re always so positive.” 

There it is again. Strength and resilience. Multiple people have told me that I have it. I believe them now. I know I have it. If only the younger selves could recognize that too. 

Some people told me that everything I’m feeling right now is valid. That I should allow myself to feel those feelings because like S said, “the path to healing lies through the anger, and all the negative feelings”. He explained that if I just side step the feelings or suppress them altogether, I will keep myself in the depression. So, I’m going to let the teenager and the child feel what they need to feel – the teenager with her angst and anger, and the child with her pain, rage, and fear. 

I’m expecting things to get worse for me in the next few weeks. I already hurt so much that I can’t imagine hurting anymore but I know it’s going to get worse. So many things are changing for me. It’s difficult to try and grasp on to anything because I constantly feel like I’m slipping but I’m trying. 

I’m trying. 

What I Am Thankful For

Well, it’s that time of the year. The time where everyone (at least in Northern America) sits back and asks themselves, “What am I thankful for this year?”

I think now as I reflect, I have a lot to be thankful for – even if I have been spending the past 3 months being more depressed than I’ve ever been in my life.

Here are some of the things I’m thankful for:

Continue reading

Persuasion Speech on Suicide Prevention

So my next (and final!) speech will be a persuasion speech to call people to action. And surprise surprise, the topic will be on suicide prevention.

I initially wanted to talk about the stigma of mental health and to call people to action in the end to help fight the stigma on campus but my instructor felt that the topic was way too broad and asked me instead to consider the topic of suicide.

So here I am, trying to figure out a way to fit all the information I need in a 7 minute speech and to spur people to action at the end. How can I write this speech in a way that’s impactful? In the same way that I had impacted people when I had presented my Impact Speech on how depression affects me.

I’m trying to figure out how to neatly present it in the Munroe’s Motivated Sequence where you present problems with evidence to show that such problems exist then you present the solutions in lieu of that before asking for people to act. At the moment, it seems like a jumble of tons of information and I hope that I can get this all figured out in time to practice it.

I want this speech to be the best one I will ever present. I want this speech to rival that of a TED Talk speech. With so many wants and desires, I’m heaping pressure on myself. I know that ultimately, if I am passionate about the topic, my speech will turn out fine.

It’s getting to the point of that realization that is where I need to be.


 

Oh on a different note, therapy went okay today. We talked about the positive things that have happened to me last week and so it didn’t feel as impactful a session as the usual ones are. It’s strange how when we talk about positive things that it seems like we’re wasting precious therapy time…

We did talk about some communication issues I’ve been having with Hubster – the fact is, we both have challenges when it comes to understanding each other especially since his logical and perfectly laid out Asperger brain cannot comprehend my incredibly messy, disjointed and impulsive ADHD brain.

I guess it’s not a bad thing to have somewhat of a restful session because I feel like lately our sessions have just been so intense that it’s hard for me to continue the rest of my week when I step out of S’ office. It’s also been so intense that a less intense session like today’s leaves me feeling a little empty and wanting.

I’ll be really busy just working after Thanksgiving though so I think my week might just turn out fine since I’d probably be too busy to mull, think and ruminate on things…