Written by JJA

Anxious for Therapy 

I’m anxious to see S tomorrow. I mean, later this morning. 

I’m anxious to see him because it felt like I haven’t seen him in weeks when in actuality, it’s really only been 5 days since I had briefly seen him on Friday. I am anxious for our session as well because I have lots to tell him. I feel like a child who has plenty to tell their parent and can’t wait to do so. 

I think my loneliness and sadness have made me wish that S and I could talk more. It’s made me go back to the person I was before – the one who gets stalker-like, who thinks about S incessantly, the one who wishes that he was my friend, the one who wants to break boundaries… 

Every time I bring this topic up, S’ answer is consistent, “Well, think about how we wouldn’t be able to continue this work if we had known each other personally as well… You’d constantly be wondering who else I’ve told about you. There’d be doubts. And we don’t want that, right?” 

He’s right. But the whole blank-canvas, I don’t give you advice or my opinion thing that therapists do annoy me sometimes. I want to see them as human beings who struggle, just like I do. I think doing so will help me to stop idolizing S and would stop me from putting him on the pedestal so frequently. 

But of course, he’s right. It would get messy and if we cross our boundaries, we’re going to kill the rapport and the hard work that we’ve spent a year and a half investing in would crumble.

I can certainly wish though, right? 

14 thoughts on “Anxious for Therapy ”

  1. You can totally wish. And it feels so awful when you know you can’t be close to them outside of session.

    Something that has helped me is I imagine A with a finite amount of presence and time for me. And I want her to bring all of it to session – but if we had more contact or coffee or whatnot outside of session — the time we spent together would be diluted.

    That made more sense in my head – hopefully you get what I’m trying to say 🙂

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    1. Oh wow. I’ve never thought of it that way. You’re right, that makes sense… Although, I think at this moment, I really badly want to know more ABOUT him. If I can just have that, I think I’ll be ok with not being able to spend more time with him…. But anyway, I gotta deal….

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      1. That’s true. I get that. Think of all you do know about him. You know the kinds of things that it takes years to find out about people – we know facts about our friends but we see personality and emotions in our T’s. He is kind. He is genuine. He is compassionate. He probably leans a certain way when he is REALLY listening.

        🙂 hopefully that helps

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      2. Oh wow…. PD…. That’s amazing…. I *do* know a lot about him. And I do know quite a few things about him and his family life – the little things he’s mentioned before. And I know a friend of mine goes to S as well and he’s told me he knows nothing about S. I feel kinda special – and I know that’s so silly. But that feels good…. I don’t know why I want to feel more special than his other clients, but I do.

        But anyway, thanks!! That really helped!

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      3. I think it’s natural to want to feel more special – I like that I rarely run into A’s clients anywhere.

        But it’s true – we are privy to them being attentive and sometimes vulnerable with us in a way nobody else in their life can be because they store up so much time and energy for us.

        I am glad it helped – helped me too to be honest!

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      4. Yeah. I see his clients from time to time because it’s a center after all and it’s not so much like a private office….

        But yeah, you’re right… That vulnerability…. The deep connection I have with S that I crave with other people…. All that really means a lot. And now that you mentioned that they store up so much time and energy, which I’ve never thought of, really helps me see how much he cares. More than I thought before! I’m amazed at T’s….

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      5. Goodness me too! And I respect the ones who know their limits – I accept A’s plentiful boundaries because I know when I talk to her I get ALL of her. I know that she will go out of her way to make sure that she shows up every. single. time.

        And I think that what happened to me and other T’s is that they didn’t know what they could and could not handle and it became draining for them – and diluted our time together. Leading to an eventual end.

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      6. Yes, you’re right. I’m actually now very thankful for how politely firm and how well S explains to me that we have our boundaries. He is definitely a good T who knows what he can and can’t do, as well as what his boundaries are.

        A sounds like an amazing T as well! They really make a huge difference.

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      9. You got it! Thank you, too, cause it reminds me not to be mad I haven’t heard from A haha – even though I know I won’t.

        Doesn’t mean she’s not thinking of me and hoping I am alright.

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  2. Dear Jules and Paper Doll: I feel so privileged to know both of you. Thank you so much for sharing this intense, intimate exchange. I live for this kind of talk – it’s not easy to find. TS

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    1. Dear TS, it is *my* privilege to be able to share something like this! As it is my privilege that I even have people who would read my stuff! I do live for such talk as well – it doesn’t happen nearly enough and I wish I could meet more people with whom I could have such intense conversations. But, I can’t complain. I try to enjoy every single one as they come!

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